Getting Healthy.... Finally

Week 2 weigh-in

2012-01-25T09:58:00.001-08:00

This post is going to be a bit of a ramble.

Sorry!

I've got a few things in my head and I want to chew them over, and guess what audience..... you get to hear them....

Week 2 saw 5 days of exercising twice a day, 1 day of exercising once and a rest day. I ate between 1200 and 1600 calories a day (depending on calories burned during workout), and ensured that I had a calorie deficit of around 1500 per day. (Calculated on the biggest loser website, using a BMR of 2470).

Now, you would think that this would ensure a good loss, eh?

I had always believed that losing weight was a balancing act between calories in/calories out. i.e. eat less, burn more and you'll lose weight. Eat less, burn even more and you'll lose even more weight.

I was wrong!!! Loss for the week.......

Wait for it.......

100g

I put the question to some of the dieters I am in contact with on FB and the consensus was that perhaps I'm not eating enough. Or, there is also the old hormonal chestnut as a possibility.

Never mind, I'll not let the scales defeat me. I know I'm eating clean, healthy and light and I'm exercising and improving my aerobic capacity all the time so I guess I'll have to stop obsessing and let it catch up with me.

This reminds me that your words come back to bite you in the bum sometimes. "I'm not going to obsess this time, I'm going to take it slow and easy".

Yeah right!!

Good loss for week 2

2012-01-17T10:13:00.000-08:00

I don't have a lot of time this morning and really should have been in the shower 10 minutes ago, but I wanted to share my great week 2 weigh in.......

-1.7kg!!!

I'm pretty stoked with that as I've been putting a lot of effort in. Saying that, I have been eating well, and not feeling deprived (which is a biggie for me).

Update later.....

I really am unfit!

2012-01-13T13:08:00.000-08:00

My hubby and I climbed Mt Maunganui this morning at 7 a.m. I was disgusted when I had to stop around 6 times because I was out of breath and had hit my maximum heart rate.

That said, I now have my challenge. I will climb the mount at least once a fortnight (if not once a week) and will have achieved my challenge when I can make it to the top without stopping.

The upside of this mornings exercise was burning 583 calories (according to my Heart Rate Monitor) and spending 1hour and 9 minutes in the Fitness Zone. The downside is going to be having very sore legs for the next couple of days!

2.6kg donated to the universe!!!

2012-01-10T19:49:00.001-08:00

My sister and I once mused that the world must require a certain amount of weight on it, because whenever one of us lost weight, the other one gained.

So...... I'm sorry sis, but I plan on losing at least 20kg this year. Get your big pants out!!

I've been super organised this year and spreadsheeted an exercise plan for January. Its pretty full on, but I want to hit the start of the year hard and build fitness and muscle to go forward with.

The exercise plan goes like this:

Monday a.m. 30 minute walk
Monday p.m. 20 mins crosstrainer, 30 mins weights (at the gym)

Tuesday a.m. Rest
Tuesday p.m. Body Balance class

Wednesday a.m. 30 minute walk
Wednesday p.m. 1 hour Gym workout

Thursday a.m. 45 minutes crosstrainer
Thursday p.m. Body Balance Class

Friday Rest Day

Saturday & Sunday Either a 1 hour gym workout or climb Mt Maunganui

Like I said, pretty full on, but I'm nearly through the first week and nothing has fallen off or seized up yet!

Well, I've cooled down enough from the workout - a shower and dinner beckon.......

Day 1.......DONE!

2012-01-03T23:12:00.000-08:00

The day started with a 25 minute walk, then a breakfast of berries, muesli & yoghurt (which I discovered wasn't low in calories once I counted it!).

Strawberries & some almonds for morning tea, Salad and tuna for lunch then it was off to the gym at 4.30 p.m.. 10min on the cross-trainer, 30 minutes weights and a further 10 minutes on the Cross-trainer.

Then it was home for a handful of nuts and a flat white.

Dinner was fillet steak, baked kumara and green beans. I also allowed for a taste of a pudding I made yesterday - panettone soaked in custard, layered with fresh berries and a light jelly mixture made from the berry juice. YUM!!

I'm not going to bore you with daily posting of my eating, because I'm trying to make this style of eating 'normal' for me but I was proud to have a good day and wanted to share!!

Its nice to see all my other blogger & FB friends starting the year strongly. We will just have to capitalise and continue.......

Making positive changes

2012-01-02T13:26:00.000-08:00

Remember, it's not going to be 'bull at a gate' dieting style for me? I have to keep reminding myself of that, because its such a habit for me. When I do it, I do it full on, but slow & steady is going to win the race long term!!

Its been really lovely seeing all the positive feelings everyone has for 2012, and lots of my cohorts on FB and blogger are setting out to make small changes and to step outside their comfort zones. GO EVERYONE - we can do it together!!!

I've joined the biggest loser club for a 4 week period as a bit of a kick start, but long term I want to do this myself, not on WW or any other plan. I have to (at the tender age of nearly 48) learn to do this as a lifestyle, long term, not go on a diet for a while then binge for a while like I've done for the last 35 years.

I've spent the last couple of days putting plans in motion, reading about eating a higher protein diet and purchasing what I need. I'm trying to give up white flour - unfortunately if I eat more than 1-2 slices a day or eat pasta I get diarrhoea (TMI?) which I think indicates a bit of an intolerance.

Also, if I'm not eating toast or biscuits, I can't fail to limit my intake of them!!

I've upped my exercise over the last few days and have made a commitment of 5 days of exercise a week for the year. In my usual fashion I managed to sprain my ankle while walking a hilly mountain-bike track yesterday, but it is only a mild sprain so I'm going to exercise through it, icing and elevating it regularly. Previously an injury would have meant a rest for a week or two ;-). I got up at 7 this morning, put a compression bandage on and did 2 x 10min on the crosstrainer with 2 lots of upper body and two lots of lower body weights and 30 sit-ups at the gym. At least 400 cal burnt before breakfast, and this is the way its got to be going forward.

I googled menopause and clumsiness the other day. I seem to be really accident prone (in one day I dropped the baked beans getting them out of the microwave and the resulting splash burned my neck, I cut through my nail, drawing blood whilst shaving my leg, dropped a cup emptying the dishwasher and many more small things). To my surprise, a reduction in motor co-ordination was one of the (many) symptoms of peri-menopause. The other one which is getting me a lot is forgetting or 'losing' words during conversation. I can picture what I want to say, but the word just isn't there.

Its scary this getting older!!

My first short term goal is to lost between 8-10 kg over the next 6 weeks. Its my 48th birthday on February 18th, and my hubby is taking me to Wellington to the Homegrown Festival for a long weekend.

I'm going to do it.

2012 here I come!

2011-12-25T10:41:00.000-08:00

I have spent 2011 f*cking around. I lost 20kg in the first half of the year and spent the 2nd half putting 12 of it back on. On the upside, I have had a few 'aha' moments which have provided a bit of clarity into what I do and why I do it.

The biggest realisation I have come to is that my body is slowly declining. I'm getting more and more joint and muscle pain and it appears from what the experts tell me that I have to increase my muscle mass and strength to support my joints.

So..... 2012 will be the year of doing some form of exercise daily. I will do some specific, targeted exercises at the gym to support my knee, but will also try to add in lots of incidental exercise by cycling, walking and doing some swimming.

Another thing I need to do is to reduce white flour in my diet. I have noticed a trend that when I eat lots of bread or pasta my digestion gets affected. I'm not coeliac, but I definitely have an intolerance.

Oh, and the other thing I need to do is to reduce the amount I eat. Smaller portions here I come!

Its up to me to make the changes, so I'm starting today with a long walk.

Not so much a Weight Loss Blog

2011-12-03T18:09:00.000-08:00

Definitely not so much a weight loss blog lately, since there hasn't been any weight loss and very little blogging!

On the upside, I've also found some other things which are infinitely valuable.

I've found a measure of inner peace and acceptance, I am who I am, and I no longer feel that I am inadequate.

I have two strong, intelligent sons who (whilst obstinate and argumentative) I'm sure will grow into good men.

I have a wonderful husband (esp since he bought me an eternity ring last week!) who I have a deep and loving friendship with.

And.....I've found that I'm not as unhappy at work as I thought I was and I'm happy to stay put for the moment.

Those things aside, I am still determined to lose weight, but perhaps not 'bull at a gate' style as I normally do. I'm happy to take it slower, enjoy meals with friends, have a few glasses of bubbles without thinking I've blown the diet. I want to be more active, and I refuse to let my sore knee stop me. If it comes to the worst, I'll have the knee replacement sooner rather than later.

In the meantime, I'm going to keep active and have an enjoyable summer.

I hope you do too.

Its been a looooong time!

2011-09-10T01:52:00.000-07:00

Sorry for not posting folks. As usual, the first things that go when life gets busy and stressful are my diet, my exercise and my reflections on my diet and exercise!

I've been on a fairly high dose of steroids for the last 6 weeks as my lupus got out of control. It was so bad that I had 3 lesions (purple things) on my face - the first time this has happened in 7 years of having lupus. I'm not big on steroids and am aware that I already take blood pressure meds and plaquenil (an anti-malarial that reduces inflammation). I like to let my body heal as much as it can naturally through diet and exercise, but a girl can't go around with big purple patches on her face, can she?!!

The upshot of the stress, busyness and steroids is a bit of an increase on the scales. Nothing too bad - around 1.5kg for the 6 weeks, but added to the 3kg I put on during our holiday I'm now 4.5kg heavier than I was at the end of June, and it has to go.

Tomorrow I'm going to the gym. Exercise is one of the things that helps me get my head back in the game, so its got to be done!

The other conclusion I've come to is I need a new job. I've been working 2 part time jobs for the last year and a half, and its no fun. Time to dust off the CV and look for a full-time, interesting, challenging, well paid job.

Do you know of one?

Honey I'm Ho-ome!!

2011-07-30T13:13:00.000-07:00

Prizes for those who guess where this photo was taken a couple of weeks ago? (Just kidding, I know you are all intelligent people!).

It feels like its been a long time since I've been in blogland. 3 weeks to be precise!!

We had a great holiday in Europe, eating our way around Paris and London (not so good for the scales, with me recording a total gain of just over 3kg). Never mind, the weight was gained over a 6 week period of totally undisiplined eating and drinking, and I know if I apply myself it will be gone in 2 or 3 weeks.

Soooo..... where to from here?

I've set myself a goal of losing 3kg a month for the next 5 months. 15kg by the end of the year. That will take me to within 5-10 kg of goal (I haven't really determined what 'goal' will be yet).

There was a really interesting article in the local paper this weekend written by a dietician and a personal trainer. They were saying that most women's ideal goal weights were unrealistic and that they needed to look more towards centimetres lost and general health.

Some of the questions they said to ask are:

Are you physically fit?
Do you eat healthy/clean?
Is your body capable of doing all you ask it to do, and easily?

I had always followed the Weight Watchers guidelines that I should be between 65 and 76kg for my height. Now the last time my weight was in the 70kg range, I was 16 years old. Not really realistic at 47 is it?

I'm thinking mid 80's.

I'll let you know how fit, healthy and strong I am when I get there (which should hopefully be by the end of the year).

I hope you are all well and happy and that the cold weather isn't taking too much of a toll!

YAY..... Big loss!

2011-06-20T11:48:00.001-07:00

I got rid of that 1.4kg that crept on last week, and added another 600g for good measure.

Yep, 2kg off this week!!!

Unless I can lose 3 kg in the next two weeks, I'm not quite going to hit my target weight for holiday, but being within 2kg of the weight you met your hubby at nearly 20 years ago is alright in my book.

My eating hasn't been totally great, but do you know what? I'm OK with that. From what I see, 'normal' people don't eat perfectly either and normality is what I'm striving for, rather than the extremes I tend to operate in.

Do you know the extremes I mean? I'm either really strictly dieting, or really badly bingeing. No middle ground. I want to find and operate in the middle ground 100% of the time.

I plan to go on holiday and not be really good, but not be really bad either. I've given myself a mental 3kg that I can gain, but I'm also hoping that I don't use it all.

Heres to AVERAGE!

I copped a gain.....

2011-06-13T00:35:00.000-07:00

First one since mid January (if you don't count the PMT 100g gain from a couple of months ago!!).

....and it was a deserved gain.

I've been getting complacent and letting the little 'extras' creep into my daily habits, so its time to march them back out. The badness starts with a few glasses of wine on a Friday night. Then (probably because of the wine messing with my blood sugar levels), I feel the need to add a piece of toast with butter and marmalade to my breakfast. And a bikkie with my morning coffee. And some dark chocolate after dinner.

You know the pattern?

Nothing in itself too bad, but when you add it up over 3 or 4 days a week, it tips you over the edge.

ITS GOT TO STOP!!!

I have just under 4 weeks until my holiday and 5kg to lose. I can do this, but it will take commitment and discipline.

Does anyone know where you can buy those?

:-)

Hurdles

2011-06-03T18:13:00.000-07:00

Life sometimes feels like its full of hurdles that we have to get over, around or under. However we choose to navigate them, they have to be overcome.

I'm sad to say that I have fallen at the first hurdle since I began my challenge.

Life has become stressful, both personally and professionally. What has been my response to the stress?

Medication with food.

It doesn't make me feel better, it doesn't solve the problems, yet I'm still stuffing my face, and have been for 5 days. I've also stopped going to the gym.

I have to find a way of re-focusing. I have 5 kg to lose to meet my goal of being the weight I was when I met my husband when I get off the plane at Gatwick Airport and 5 weeks until that event.

I know I can lose a kilo a week when my head is in the right place, so I have 48 hours until weigh in and I have to get it together by then.

Please cosmically send me all your very best weight loss vibes.

I need to remember the wise words of a WW leader:

If the problem isn't hunger, the solution isn't food.

Expectations

2011-05-30T00:12:00.000-07:00

I did my usual WI day naked weigh on my home scales this morning and was 1kg lighter than last time I weighed in.

The expectation would be to have a loss of around 1kg right?

I copped a 100g gain!!!

I can only put it down to TOM and eating soup and pretzels (high salt) today.

I'm feeling remarkably zen-like about it though. I know I'm in for good numbers next week if I keep on the way I am.

I do wish I hadn't had sausages and mash tonight though. It could mean harder workouts for the coming week.........

Week ??? (something or other) weigh in!

2011-05-16T00:47:00.000-07:00

I didn't weigh in last week, because (believe it or not), I forgot WW was on and remembered too late to get there!

I've been really focusing and working hard this week after my couple of bad weekends, and lost.....

wait for it.......

3kg!!!!! That takes me to 18.8kg lost in 4 months.

I was really thrilled, as I'd cut my carbs down to 2 small serves a day, my wine to 5 glasses (over 2 nights), and I've really worked hard at the exercising. I managed 6 lots of exercise over the 7 days - 3 weights workouts, 2 cardio and a climb up Mount Maunganui, then a walk around the base (well, as far as we could get because of the slips).

This is one happy kiwi signing off for the night :-)

Losing Focus

2011-05-08T11:38:00.000-07:00

I've come to the stage of weight loss that I start wavering. I do really well with points, tracking, water consumption and exercise all week then Friday night comes and bites me in the bum.

It starts with a couple of glasses of wine (once I've worked an 8 hour day, come home, then gone out and got the groceries). Then the food choices waver because its the end of the week, I'm tired and I've got a couple of glasses of wine screaming around my veins.

Then I wake up on Saturday. "Oh well, I blew it last night so I might have a couple of pieces of toast and marmalade instead of my muesli and fruit".

You know the mentality? Well its bloody well got to stop!

I'm not gaining weight - in fact, I'm still losing, but I'm losing a few hundred grams a week, not the 1kg plus I should be losing with the amount of exercise I'm doing.

FOCUS Natalie - mentally picture how you want to look in 9 weeks when you step off the plane in London, think of how good you will feel going back to the old haunts and seeing your old friends at the same weight you were 20 years ago.

Its a better feeling than feeling embarrassed about your extra flesh isn't it?

Time for a change

2011-04-26T21:26:00.000-07:00

My weight loss is tracking along ok. I didn't weigh in this last Monday 'cos it was a public holiday, so I'm hoping for a reasonable loss the following week. The week before it was only a measly 200g :-(

I've decided that I need a change of occupation. At the moment I work 2 part-time jobs that add up to 35 hours a week. Various reasons have me getting pretty fed up with one of the jobs, and I can't see those reasons ever being addressed by management, so its going to be 'operation new job'! Unfortunately we have our holiday in July and I don't see many employers wanting to hire you for a few weeks then have you disappear for a few weeks, so I will be biding my time until then. If I have any spare time at work maybe I'll even get some SOP's written (standard operating procedures), so my replacement will be in a better place than I was when I joined.

Would that count as a random act of kindness?

Its all pretty pedestrian here in Tauranga - kids ok, dog ok but going to the vet tomorrow with a lump on his eyelid (watch this space....), hubby ok.

Maybe something interesting will happen in my life soon so I can write about it!

Struggling to find time to update (and my last 2 losses)

2011-04-05T22:10:00.000-07:00

Thank you all my blog readers for sticking with me. It seems I'm lucky to log on once a fortnight these days :-(

The end of March is always busy for us accounting type people, and with working 2 jobs I've had twice the fun this year! Today is my 11th day in a row at work. I'm really looking forward to Saturday when I get a whole day off this week.

Which brings me to the reason I blog.....my losses were 300g for a fortnight ago, and a whopping....wait for it.... 2 kg this week. This brings me to 14.1 kg lost over 12 weeks. There is another 12 weeks to go before our holiday so I'm aiming for a minimum of another 10kg off before we go.

I might have to re-think this whole blogging thing, because I really don't give it the time and attention I should. I then read other peoples interesting, well thought out posts and well, quite frankly, I feel inadequate!

**Walks away from the computer in thoughtful mode**

Crikey - I can't remember what week I'm up to!!

2011-03-20T23:29:00.001-07:00

Last week - stayed the same. I was a bit disappointed as I had eaten well and exercised for the week, but the body does what the body wants to!

This week - I lost 1.2kg bringing my total to 12.1kg lost since the 2nd week of January.

I've set myself a goal of losing another 12kg before July. I've got 15 weeks to do it in - it will be tough, but its achievable goal to strive for.

I got sent home from work today with dizzy spells almost culminating in fainting a couple of times. One of the vets I work with drove me to the doctor 'cos he didn't want me driving myself. The doctor has taken some blood tests, but reckons its a medication problem. I went off the meds for the lupus a week or so ago (they take time to get out of your blood), and it looks like they reacted with the Blood pressure meds at an enzyme level. With the lupus meds reducing, the BP meds are now too strong for me so my BP took a sudden dive. Not a pleasant sensation..... every time I stood still I fell backwards :-)

Not much else to say today - boys off school sick today. These 11 week terms just for the Rugby World Cup are just stupid!

Week 7 Weigh in

2011-03-07T09:50:00.000-08:00

And I'm proud to report a loss of 1.7kg bringing my total to 10.9kg.

We've made a momentous decision to move our holiday to the UK forward a year and go....THIS YEAR! OMG there's so much to do! We looked at rocketing fuel prices, added in the fact that the youngest member of the family is still a child fare and realised that if we go next year it could be up to $3,000 - $4,000 more. There's no way we'll save that much more, so we're biting the bullet and going.

I had hoped to be at goal weight when we go, but time precludes that. There's 17 weeks until we leave so I'm planning to lose 15kg in that time, leaving me 10kg above goal.

At least I'll look pretty good compared to January :-)

Have to go....working 43 hour week this week and trying to get to the gym 4 times, and doing the washing, ironing, cooking and organisation for the children is taking its toll.

Hubby and sons are sick with the first of the cooler weather bugs, so I'm desperately trying to stave them off with lots of Olive Leaf and Vitamin C.

Wish me luck!!

Week 5 & 6 Weigh ins...

2011-03-01T09:45:00.000-08:00

Week 5 bought a 1.2 kg loss. That was on Friday 18th Feb at lunchtime. That day I changed my weigh in to a Monday (9 days time) as the lunchtime weigh in was too hard - I only get a 1/2 hour break.

On the Friday afternoon my husband and I went to Wellington for our annual 'marriage mental health' weekend. It was lovely. We stayed in a central city hotel and walked, and walked, and walked. We also ate out for 3 meals a day and pretty much drank our body weight in alcohol. It was beers at lunchtime, late afternoon/early evening champagne, pre-dinner drinks, wine with meal, apertifs after. (Thank you for the Kiwi Sangria recipe Osteria del Toro - yummy!).

Naturally I approached my week 6 weigh in with trepidation. I knew my food had been pretty good (apart from chips for lunch one day), but that booze really packs a pro-points punch! Luckily, the WW fairies had granted my wish and allowed me a 400g loss.

I guess all that walking really worked :-)

Life is very busy as I'm still working a 45 hour week (hence the post at 6.45 a.m.!). Kids are back at school, sports practices are on, older boy is working twice a week at the supermarket and needs dropping off and picking up, and I'm trying to get in 3 or 4 trips to the gym.

No time to be bored!!

Week 4 weigh in....

2011-02-12T19:56:00.000-08:00

and it was a loss of 1.8kg. Not sure where it came from as I've been very busy and exercised less than usual. I don't mind though - I'll take it. Thats 7.6 kg off since starting.

The only difference so far is that the legs of my trousers are looser :-)

My life has been really busy this last week. I had 5 nights out, culminating in a 40th birthday party last night. It was one of my husband's football team members (and incidentally our 17th wedding anniversary). The week just got more stressful this morning when the dishwasher (literally, with a big bang) blew up just as I had to leave the house to pick up a friend from hospital. There was a big scramble to find out where it was plugged in and a check to see if it was on fire. I came home from delivering my friend still with two bathrooms to clean and then had to wash up all the dishes in the dishwasher.

Needless to say, I was half an hour late to work!

Anyway, enough whinging. I'm really looking forward to my 3 nights in Wellington with my lovely hubby next weekend.

I just have to bake and pack for my sons school camp which he heads to before we're back from Wellington, write instructions with contact details and the boys itineraries for the people looking after them, write the Chairmans report and run the AGM for the Intermediate school PTA, work 4 1/2 days and take junior to two Judo lessons.

All in a weeks work really :-)

Week 3 weigh in

2011-02-06T09:41:00.000-08:00

.....and a loss of 1.1kg, bringing the total so far to 5.8kg.

Not a lot to say this week. The kids are back to school, I've taken on a 6 week project at work for an extra 10 hours a week (taking my weekly hour total to 45 hours a week), hence why theres not a lot of time for the computer!

Master 15 starts a 10 hour a week job at the supermarket on Wednesday and Master 11's Judo starts again on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

The exciting news is that we've decided to take the kids to England to see their family next year. We can't afford it, but if we wait until we can afford it, it'll never happen. You know what I mean? :-)

I'll try to be more interesting next week!

Having your say

2011-01-29T01:02:00.000-08:00

I've never been confident in my 'voice'. Who would listen to or value the input of the tall, fat, clumsy girl? I've always hung around with people I thought were brighter than me and placed little value on myself.

Why listen to me? I can't even control my eating!

Today I was checking through some stuff in my inbox and decided to read Craig Harpur's blog. I was amazed to find that he had selected a comment I'd written on one of his recent blogs as a prize winner. He's sending me a copy of his new book "Stop F*cking Around", which I had wanted to buy, but as it was a luxury not a necessity it remained unbought.

Having him select my post got me thinking that maybe I have got something to say?

Saying that, I often sit down to write my blog and find that all the great ideas I had floating around not 5 minutes before have gone. Writers block? :-)

I feel like I'm finally at a stage in my life where I'm actually starting to like me and my life, (and this is before I started my recent quest for a healthy life). The boys are getting older and need less of me. My husband and I have been together long enough to feel safe and comfortable together, but not so long that we have become complacent or less mindful of each other. I have great friends who I love spending time with and I value their input in my life. I can now also see that they value my input too. I've also met some great people in cyberspace.

So what is it folks.... Maturity? Self esteem? Self acceptance? Indulgence?

I don't care either way - I just want to get to know this woman better.

P.S. I lost a kilo this week. YAY!!

It seems to be Saturday again!

2011-01-21T11:44:00.000-08:00

The week has flown by again - I always mean to post more often, but life is so busy.

Thankfully not too busy to exercise and track my food.

Or maybe thats why its busy?

Too many things to ponder for my tired mind! I had my first weigh in yesterday and thankfully lost the 2.5kg I'd put on in the previous 6 weeks, so I'm back to status quo - 3.7kg off since my first weigh in.

I'm still disappointed in my knee, and will tell the surgeon so when I see him on Monday. I've now got quite noticeable muscle wastage in the quad muscle that runs down the outside of my leg. My physio is treating me twice a week and has me doing around 20 minutes of exercises a day which are designed to strengthen my glutes and build the bulk back up in my quads (I'd always thought a lack of bulk in your legs was a good thing!!).

Still, I'm managing to cycle for 30-40 minutes 4 times a week, lift weights and walk either on the beach or around Mount Maunganui once a week. I don't think I'll ever run again or do anything high impact, but there is enough out there for me to keep fit on without banging my feet against the ground :-)

The weather seems to have packed in here this weekend. Although its warm, its very overcast and threatening to drizzle.

I think it could be time to go and have a clearout in the cupboards.....

Its Saturday!

2011-01-14T12:56:00.000-08:00

Above is a photo of me in the backyard just before going to a wedding last month.

Yay, I love the weekends....

I've been doing a bit of work this week - counting last weekend, I've had 3 45 minute trips to the gym, spent 2 hours in the surf boogie boarding and had 3 30 minute walks. That gave me a 1kg loss without dieting.

I went back to WW on Friday and owned up to the 2.5kg I'd put on since the start of December. I'm glad I did, 'cos I'm a really bad "eat the bad crap now because you'll be dieting next week" kind of an eater so its best to put a stop to that kind of behaviour promptly!

I had my BP checked and it was 119/81 - lowest its been in 20 years.

And..... I've worked out my mantra for when I'm tempted to eat something that I shouldn't.

FOOD IS FUEL.

Simple but effective I think :-)

I have given myself a goal to lose 6kg by Feb 18th when my hubby and I go away for a ~~dirty weekend~~ marriage mental health weekend to Wellington. Doable I think - I usually lose around 2-3 kg in the first week, and we've got 5 weeks to go before we leave. Hubby wants to lose some too as he's now 85kg (I'd be thrilled if I was only 85kg!) and wants to get 6kg off.

In the words of Matt Lucas "Welcome to Fat Fighters". It will be interesting for him cos I think he drinks about 100 points a week......

This weeks plan

2011-01-03T22:22:00.001-08:00

I've been blogging over the holiday with ideas and plans, but now is the time to put them into action. I'm back at work tomorrow for 3 days until the weekend. I've been very busy finishing all the tempting food in the house (joking....not), have purchased my yoghurt and fruit, so its action stations from tomorrow.

The plan for the next three days is:

Book appointment to have a blood pressure check.

Cut out toast at breakfast time - back to yoghurt, fruit and muesli.

Gym on Wednesday afternoon.

Walk on Friday after work.

Four things to achieve.

I can do that.

New Year, New Mindset?

2011-01-01T11:25:00.000-08:00

I think I need to have a mantra - something that I can say to myself when the going gets tough, when temptation is waving its salty, sweet, oily fingers at me.

You know what I mean? Like the little engine in the kids story 'The Little Engine that Could' by Watty Piper that used to be on the radio on Sunday morning....."I think I can, I know I can, I think I can, I know I can" when he was trying to get up the hill pulling the big carriages.

My problem is that for 30 odd years I've thought "I can't" because I've tried, succeeded and ultimately failed so many times. I read all the books and the motivational stuff available, but I've never successfully kept weight off, despite having lost over 100kg as an adult (not all at once - lose 20, gain 22, lose 27, gain 30- you know the picture?).

One of the things I haven't tried is mastering one thing at once. Usually my dieting or lifestyle change attempts are the bull at a gate variety. Everything gets changed at once, which is why I ultimately fail, because who can keep that up forever.

Maybe its time to slow down, and work on one thing at a time. The only problem is which behaviour to start with?

I would love to hear suggestions - what has worked for you on the long term change front? Do you have a mantra or affirmation - what is it?

As it is, until I decide, I'm going into today with a plan.

There will be salad for lunch and a walk on the beach with dog and hubby.

BAH HUMBUG!!

2010-12-26T15:57:00.001-08:00

Well, another Christmas has gone by with totally undisciplined eating. But..... I'm getting bored with it, and have found myself making healthy(ier) choices, not because I should, but because I want to. I'm taking that as a pretty good sign.

My knee is depressing me. It is worse that it was before it was operated on 10 weeks ago. I still can't walk up hills, up stairs, kneel, or go at any pace other than a fairly slow walk. I'm not one to be defeated, so here's the plan:

1. Get into the swimming pool. Although I can't swim very well, I can walk up and down the pool, and I've now gone out and bought a flutter board and goggles for just kicking up and down lengths.

2. Go to the physio. Although the surgeon said I wouldn't need physio post-op, I think he's wrong and that some structured exercises focused on strengthening the muscles that support the knee would be beneficial.

3. Get on my bike. Although I can't push hard with my right leg, I can push hard with my left and my right can just get on with doing what it can without hurting.

On the non-knee side of things, I'm starting to plan my meals again rather than reaching for the first accessible palatable thing I see :-) I love seafood, salads, yoghurt and fruit, so they will feature more than cake, bread and desserts going forward. It starts with thai marinated prawns and green salad for lunch today.

Maybe this period of bingeing has helped me see that I don't really like the type of food I tend to binge on, and also, since I've been eating more of the 'crap' food and drink, my sinus has come back with a vengeance. I'll let you know if it goes when I clear out my eating....

I weighed myself this morning, and the 2 weeks undisciplined eating has resulted in a 1.5kg gain.

Here's to a great new year!!

First week weight loss - 3.7kg!!

2010-12-03T11:56:00.000-08:00

I was amazed! Mind you, I had on different shoes and had an upset tummy in the morning so the figure may be slightly elevated :-)

My husband and I have just sat down with the WW cookbooks and planned the menu ahead for the week, which includes pork loin with honey & mustard glaze and roasted pear salad, bacon, sweet potato and corn quiche and homemade burgers. A very positive start to what will be a journey of at least a year to get to my personal goal. WW say I should be 76kg, but I haven't been that weight since I was about 20! I think I'll be happy at 85 kg, but I'll keep an open mind. The thing I'm going to have to make sure of is that I don't go hard out, then burn out like I always do.

I'm finding the Pro Points plan good, but am struggling to eat 38 points a day, let alone the extra 49 a week. I've finished tea and am quite full, but I still have 8 points left. If I eat, I'll just be eating for the sake of it, rather than from hunger. I'd be interested to hear if any of you have the same problem and whether it is important to eat all your points to lose weight.

To give you an example of why I'm struggling to eat 38 points, today I have eaten the following:

Breakfast - Pineapple, strawberries and 1/2 banana with 75g mango & passionfruit yoghurt (full fat) and 1/4 cup bircher muesli. Black coffee. 6 points

Lunch - 6 small falafel, large green salad, 1 tbs plain lf yoghurt and 1 tbsp sweet chilli sauce. Boiled egg & 10 almonds. 9 points

Afternoon Tea - 3 large strawberries, 250ml trim flat white, 4 Golden Fruit biscuits & some grapes. 7 points

Dinner - 175g sirloin steak (barbequed), green salad with peppers, tomatoes, gherkins, beetroot carrot & cucumber with LF Thai Chilli dressing. 8 points

You can see why I'm not hungry!

On the downside, I'm still not able to exercise. I seem to have a post-op infection in my knee and it's really hot with an inflamed patch around an inch out from either side of the scar.

I guess its back to the surgeon tomorrow :-(

It's Sunday, so it must be blog-day!

2010-11-20T22:17:00.000-08:00

I only seem to get time to sit at the computer on a Sunday. In admitting that I have computer time, I have also managed to put 3 loads of washing through, fold yesterdays lot, bake cookies with my son, go christmas shopping, meet a girlfriend for lunch, make a warm russian potato salad, green salad and steaks for tea, and strip, wash and remake # 2 son's bed with clean linen. Oh, and I vacuumed and cleaned the inside of my car too.

Not bad for a day of rest :-)

I'm seriously thinking of re-joining WW meetings. I've been gaining and losing the same kilo for nearly 8 weeks now (it will be re-gained this week after the warm Russian potato salad!). I guess I'm more of a pack animal than I thought. I don't seem to be very accountable to myself doing WW online (not surprising really, when I've been stuffing myself with food for 30 odd years and managing to justify it to myself). Why did I think I could sit at a computer and suddenly do what I haven't been able to do for a couple of decades?

Stupidity isn't it? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result ;-)

Hope the coming week is kind to you.....

Lovely weekend away

2010-11-14T23:35:00.000-08:00

I've just come back from an extremely relaxing weekend away with two (very slim, very fit) girlfriends. It was bliss. Both of them are near gourmet cooks and they provided the food and drink. One of them drove us to the bach (holiday home) which was in the Coromandel - a beautiful stretch of coastline on the northeast side of the North Island. I really had to do nothing but relax, and relax I did!

I found the weekend very interesting. I couldn't join in the 'major workout' walks in the morning as I'm still recovering from surgery, but I managed an hour long walk on the beach on the Saturday afternoon. The girls were away for 1 to 2 1/2 hours each morning, one morning climbing Mt Pauanui (around 1000m), and the second doing a circuit of the town. One of them ate more than me, which really surprised me, as they are both very slim and I'm 30+ kg overweight (and a glutton!).

The food was lovely and very healthy. Muesli, fresh fruit and yoghurt for breakfast. Coffee mid-morning. Dips, cheese, salad stuff and bread for lunch, Thai Chicken salad one night, and roasted Vegetable frittata the other. There was dessert both nights - a lovely lemon slice with yoghurt and fresh fruit. We also consumed either a couple of glasses of champagne or cider each night. I felt like I'd eaten very well, but looking back, although we had eaten well, it was never to excess.

As I wasn't in control of the food for the weekend, I just ate what they ate when they ate it, and I came home 1 kg lighter, even though I'd eaten cheese, pate, licorice allsorts, dessert and drunk alcohol both days over the weekend.

It was a lesson in how to eat. The lesson was about quality, not quantity (the pieces of lemon slice were around 3cm square - 1/2 as small as I would normally cut them).

I'm going to take that lesson and attempt to apply it to my usually undisciplined eating at home.

Catching up...

2010-11-08T22:38:00.000-08:00

I feel like life is starting to get a bit more under my control again. I managed to get all the chores done at the weekend, including waterblasting the deck (5 hours worth), all the housework, baking for the kids school lunches and a full roast dinner on Sunday night. Yay me!

My weight is still going nowhere - I seem to have been rotating around the same kilo for the last 6 weeks. Sometimes its on, sometimes its off, but I'm never far away from it. Kazz' post today reminded me how damning procrastination is. When I first started reading her blog, she was 30 kg heavier than I was. She's now 10kg lighter than I am. During the last year or so she's lost 25kg and I've gained 15. I would have been at goal if I'd just stuck with it.......

Theres a lesson to be learned here!

I'm off for a girls weekend this weekend with 2 of my 'besties'. We've got a bach (holiday home) in Pauanui on the Coromandel Peninsula from Friday to Sunday. I'm looking forward to a weekend of good food, good company, lots of rest and the odd walk on the beach. I'm hoping to come home recharged for the silly season.

I split my week between 2 employers. I work 3 days doing Accounts and Administration for a Vet Hospital, and 2 days a week doing accounts for a Food Distributor. The job at the food distributor is about to go mental as I live in a a tourist destination which is a real summer sun trap. We distribute one of the biggest brands of ice-cream along with supplies for Restaurants, Cafe's, Take-aways etc, so I know the next couple of months are going to be mad busy.

I know I'll handle it better fit, so although my knee is most definitely FAT (not its usual chubby), I'm going to book in to go back to the gym next week and have them work me out a plan where I can cycle and do upper body weights. I'm also going to hit the local swimming pool and walk laps one night a week.

At least I'll be doing something, which is better than the nothing I"m doing at the moment :-)

Big Fat Fantasist

2010-10-30T16:37:00.000-07:00

It's time to beat myself up again!

When I write my posts about what I'm going to do to improve my health, I really believe that the course of action that I talk about is what I'm going to do, and I'm determined that 'this time I'm going to change'.

What I'm no good is sticking to it. At the moment I have no determination, mental strength, willpower, self esteem, blah, blah, blah, etc, etc, etc.

Yes, I know exactly what I need to do, but it seems that my subconscious has been taking steroids and working out regularly, because it always overpowers my feeble consciousness. My conscious side goes "yep, OK, that sounds do-able. Exercise for 30 minutes a day, eat lots of fruit and veges and don't eat any crap. No problem. I always feel good when I do that". Unfortunately my subconscious goes " No way am I giving up the habits of a lifetime. I need to binge eat to firstly give myself a 'lift', then to give myself a reason to feel bad about myself. When I feel bad about myself I need to eat to give myself a lift.....".

You get the picture.

I'm an intelligent 46 year old woman, yet this infantile subconsciousness always seems to get the better of me. I'm going to have to work out a way to beat my subconscious into submission long enough to allow the conscious side of me to practice the good habits and make them the default position.

I'm guessing theres no magic potion out there that I can take to make this magically happen. I used to fantasise about waking up slim one day - no effort involved, just instantly slender ;-)

I'm just going to have to keep on putting one foot in front of the other on this healthy living quest, even though it seems like its one step forwards, two steps backwards at the moment (and those steps are even taken with a limp!).

A flickering light bulb moment

2010-10-23T14:57:00.000-07:00

I had a bit of a lightbulb moment last night. It wasn't an 'oh my god' moment, it was more a dawning of what might be a bit of personal insight.

I have a husband I love truly, madly, deeply. He is gorgeous. In 17 years together I've probably only heard him snore less than 10 times, he always smells delicious (never sweaty or stale), he's intelligent, articulate, he prefers listening to music and talking to me than watching television. But..... I don't let myself be the best I can be because I'm scared of:

1. Him leaving me for a slimmer, more attractive model

2. Him finding out that I'm overweight because I'm greedy and don't have self control

3. Me finding out that he's just making the best of it 'cos he's stuck with me

and lots of other pathetic reasons ..... you know the kind of stupid stuff that goes on in your mind?

I've finally started realising that instead of waiting for doom, I should really enjoy what I've got. I know without visiting a psychologists couch that I've got issues - my first love died when I was 19, and my second love was unfaithful to me. It's like I'm waiting for something to go wrong with this one - I can't accept that its as good as it is.

I need to be the best I can be for me, but I also owe it to my hubby to be the best I can for him, because he's the best he can be for me. Convoluted I know, but it makes sense to me!

Instead of coming up with reasons why I can't, I'm going to try 'to'. I'm want to learn how to live my life less defensively and open myself up to new things. I think that defensiveness has a lot to do with my overeating.

Now I have the idea, I've got to work out how to put it into practice.

Home from hospital

2010-10-20T17:48:00.000-07:00

This is my second day home. I've decided that you just can't please some people, 'cos I thought I'd love lying around with nothing to do, but I'm bloody well BORED!!

I've got 6 DVD's lined up in the lounge to watch, 5 books on my bedside table and do I feel like diving into any of them? No.

I've just had two lovely girlfriends come around for lunch - they bought homemade mini quiches, ciabatta bread, avocado, salad & grapes. Lovely food and lovely company. Next on my days agenda I've got another girlfriend who is a hairdresser coming to pick me up to take me back to hers to wash my hair (on the 'yuck' side, I'm not allowed to shower until Saturday). I'm having to make do with a wet flannel. My darling hubby offered to help me wash myself this morning, but the thought of him seeing me in the white goosefleshed nude with all my wrinkly, saggy bits is too much. It's bad enough that he has to touch them in the dark :-) TMI? What he doesn't see can't horrify him!!

My operation went well, but there was a lot more damage than they had originally thought. The surgeon will tell me more when I go back on November 1st, but it looks like a knee replacement for me in the future. He said that this op certainly won't take it back to 'normal'. I'm a bit disappointed, as I was hoping to hit the exercise hard to move some weight. I think I'll be OK for the straight line stuff (i.e. cycling, walking, swimming, rowing), but I have no lateral stability at all, so jumping, twisting etc will be out for ever.

I think I'm going to sign up for some swimming lessons. I only learnt to swim at 36, and I never really practised much, but it might be my saviour exercise wise in years to come.

I was upset to get on the scales this morning to see a 2kg gain as I've hardly eaten anything in the last 3 days. Maybe it's just post-op swelling? My leg is certainly pretty fat at the moment!

I've been tagged...

2010-10-17T01:08:00.000-07:00

Lovely Linda from http://imjustlinda.blogspot.com/2010/10/tag-youre-it.html has just tagged me. Here's the questions.....

1. What are three sentimental items you can see from where you are sitting right now?

This is a tough one 'cos I'm in the spare room on the computer facing a blank wall! I can see a photo of my sons taken when they were 10 and 6 in the notepaper container, my computer which contains hundreds and hundreds of family photos and if I look to my right, I can see my wedding photo up on the wall on the landing.

2. If you cry at the movies (go on, admit you do!) do you try to cover it up, or blubber and snot openly everywhere?

I'm a complete freak about showing weakness - I definitely cover it up.

3. What is your absolute most favourite comfort food ever?

This is a bit of a tough one - there's different foods for different events/emotions. Is it comfort eating alone, or comfort eating with friends? If I had to say one of my most favourite binge foods (which I guess is comfort eating) then Ice-Cream would be the winner. Good quality, plain chocolate ice cream. If it's with friends, then it would be a flat white with a slice of lemon tart.

4. Do you wash the dishes with or without gloves?

Without when I can't avoid doing it.

5. What was your favourite childhood toy?

I don't know if it was my favourite, but I can remember my doll, Trudie. I also remember playing the dating game.....

6. You're building a magnificent sandcastle at the beach and someone offers to help, do you accept or decline?

It really depends on how buff he is! No, really, I would accept and retire to the shade as I have Lupus and really can't spend any time in the sun :-)

7. Are you a Facebook tragic, or do you just think Facebook is tragic?

Neither. I do use Facebook, but I'm not addicted and can happily go days without checking my friends status'. I only post a status a couple of times a month. Since signing up I've got in touch with heaps of my friends from London in the 1990's, so I kind of like it as just another communication tool.

8. Who would play you in a movie of your life?

Hmmmm, I'd like to say a young Kim Basinger or Katherine Heigl, but it would more likely be Kathleen Turner.

I've tried to cut & paste some people to post questions to, but every time I put one on and go to get another one, the first one has gone when I get back. I'm really not too tech savvy, sorry :-(

Thanks for thinking of me though Linda.

I did a good thing tonight...

2010-10-14T02:20:00.000-07:00

I found my motivation tonight. It's funny what shopping for lingerie does for your determination to get slimmer when there are three mirrors in the changing room!

Night all :-)

That darned elusive wagon....

2010-10-13T02:44:00.000-07:00

I had ordered my wagon to be here at breakfast time today, but gosh darn it, it had gone on holiday, and taken my motivation with it.

I've let them both know in no uncertain terms this evening that they'd better be here tomorrow. I need my motivation with me 'cos I've got a trip to the gym planned, and I certainly need to get back on that wagon so I can leave the 'naughty' eating behind.

Wish me the best of luck on my travels.....

Confessions of a wobble!

2010-10-12T02:26:00.000-07:00

No, it's not my thighs (although they do mightily if left unrestrained!).

I've been on a 2 day binge.

I know what set me off, (which is now not an issue any more), but haven't found the willpower to stop. My clothes were starting to get looser, I was feeling positive, then *%# Biff, Bang, Wallop %^$& out of the blue came the urge to eat my feelings.

2 days is enough.

I'm going to bed tonight feeling slightly ill from the butter chicken & rice I had for tea, followed by a Kapiti white chocolate and raspberry ice cream and 2 glasses of the new Lindauer Summer Bubbles. (I also sat and watched the Blind Side with a girlfriend during this evening of indulgence, which was very nice).

It'll be porridge & apple for breakfast, a salad for lunch and a trip to the gym before I'm allowed any dinner tomorrow.

Just you watch me!!

Week 2 Weigh In

2010-10-08T13:11:00.000-07:00

1.3kgs lost for week 2, even though I was sitting on -13 points after the weekend. And..... I didn't really do any exercise. Hopefully the losses will be consistent once I add regular exercise in. Only 10 days until my surgery, then it will be all go a week after that!

My blood pressure has balanced out now, and I'm amazed at the difference. The last two weeks have been really stressful at both of my jobs, with lots of problems thrown up from system upgrades and the GST change to manage, but I've flown through it all feeling rather zen like :-)

And..... I can drink alcohol again. Not such a good thing I guess, but having been unable to consume more than 1 alcoholic drink at a time for the last year or so it's nice to be able to have a couple. (But not when it's 1/3 of your points like it was yesterday!).

I'm in for a strange week ahead. My hubby is off to school camp with son #2 for 4 nights, then on Friday he arrives home around lunchtime and flies down to Wellington for a 'lads weekend' with his football team. It means we're going to have 7 nights apart :-(

We've never had more than 3 nights apart in 17 years - it'll be horrible!

Me and #1 son will have lots of trips to the gym, I've got a girls night out at the movies and we'll probably go up to the camp one or two evenings to join in the 'after dark' activities like the Burma Trail, the concert etc.

Not a lot to say really, so I'd better go and start the Saturday chores.

Weigh in, end of week 1

2010-10-02T17:31:00.001-07:00

.... and I'm happy to post a loss of 2.1kg.

This time on WW is different. I'm not excited, I'm not obsessed, I'm not all 'gung-ho' like I usually get when I start. I've started this time with a quiet acceptance that this is what I've got to do and that I'll slip and fall along the way, but I won't stop 'being on a diet' and start bingeing. I'm building in allowances for social occasions and not expecting to lose 27kg in 5 months like I did last time.

Last night we had friends around and I did nibbles - I made guacamole with corn chips (and had about 3), and blue cheese with water crackers and pear (and had about 4). Dinner was eye fillet steak, steamed asparagus, baked pumpkin and hasselback potatoes (made with spray oil). I had a small steak, lots of asparagus, 1 piece of pumpkin and 3 small pieces of potato. Dessert was Tiramisu (I had about a 1 cm slice) and Eton Mess (meringue, marshmallows, strawberry yoghurt, strawberries, boysenberries and a small amount of whipped cream). I had about 3 tablespoons of that.

Oh, and 4 glasses of wine :-)

I probably went over my points by about 8 for the day, but that will be made up over the next week with lots of exercise and saving 2 points a day.

Most of all, I enjoyed the evening, I didn't feel like I was missing out because I was dieting and was happy to start today straight back on track again.

If I felt that I'd 'broken' my diet I would have been bingeing all day today.

I think this is personal growth! The hard thing will be to retain and maintain this mindset.....

Just a quickie.....

2010-09-27T11:04:00.000-07:00

It's all I can manage in the morning anyway! (TMI?)

Just wanted to post that I'm on track so far on Day 5. I'm trying not to get on the scales as I get obsessive about weighing myself, but had a peek yesterday and am on target for a good week 1.

Went out for dinner last night to one of those awful buffet restaurants. Managed to have ham, roast beef, veges and shrimps followed by a 1/2 slice of pav (no cream) and a couple of tablespoons of jelly. I went into the evening with a plan to socialise instead of eat. I did that, and found that moving around the tables talking to people made me forget about food. YAY! It was a 12 point evening and I had 14.5 points available (not counting saved points).

The negative is that I went to the gym on Saturday and cycled, walked and did some upper body weights and my hips have been sore ever since. BOO!

I'll try to catch up a long post at the weekend.

Finally Started

2010-09-24T19:27:00.001-07:00

Above is a picture of my family taken a couple of weeks ago on holiday on the Gold Coast. Say hi to my handsome boys, and goodbye to my chins!

I signed up for WW Online for 3 months on Friday. It was a bit scary getting on the scales, but the good news is that I only gained 23 of the 27 kg I lost in 2008/2009 :-)

Friday was the first day in over a year where no crappy food passed my lips. Not a crisp, biscuit, chocolate or lolly ventured near. No McDonalds, Kebab, Roast Vegetables, hot chips. No gravy, full of fat and salt. No baked goods of any kind. No cheese. No ice-cream. No cream (man am I going to miss that on my porridge!).

I'm hoping that this time will be a bit different. I certainly feel different. I'm not excited, fervent or zealous in my approach. There's just a feeling almost of resignation - this is how I'm going to eat from now on to have the healthiest body I can. I'm going to try to do it slower. Last time I lost 27kg in under 5 months. I stuck to, or went slightly under points and I never ate my exercise points. I'm going to eat all my points, and sometimes my exercise points too. Last time I avoided social situations because I didn't trust myself. This time I'm going to go to all the things I'm invited to and learn how to handle myself. And learn how to 'recover' from a binge or a setback.

In the past, a binge has signalled the end of a diet. I had no way of coming back from it. This time I'm going to have to learn how to. I'm going to have to make myself move my body 5 days a week.

Lots of challenges ahead!

OK, here goes.........

2010-09-21T22:21:00.000-07:00

My ducks have slowly been lining up in a row.

I've been getting more and more fed up with being fat and having no energy, I'm eating for the sake of it, not for any sort of enjoyment, my operation has been put back 6 weeks (My plan was to 'start' after the op), and to top it all off, my blood pressure simply won't get under control. I've hit that point. You know the one. It's the one that tips you over into looking after yourself and getting your eating under control.

Weirdly enough, I came home with the notion that I was going to get it together and lo and behold, a "join for $1" e-mail from WW was in my inbox and when I checked the blogs I follow, there was a really good post about recovering from binges and setbacks written by Bitchcakes - Serendipity :-)

http://msbitchcakes.blogspot.com/2010/09/recovery-from-binges-setbacks.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+blogspot%2FSkbT+%28*Bitch+Cakes*%29
I think it's time to get going on the weight loss front. No more excuses. No more putting it off until....(insert what you want here). No more waiting for the op....... just no more.

Home from Holiday

2010-09-15T00:18:00.000-07:00

Well, we had the week in Surfers Paradise - not a restful holiday, but a great one for the kids. During the week we managed to visit Movie World, DreamWorld and Wet & Wild. Plus... the boys and I got sick (and I hadn't even got over the last bug). It seems that I've been snotty and coughing for nearly a month now. ENOUGH ALREADY!

The blood pressure problem is no good either - 10 days on the pills and it has gone up :-( They have now doubled the medication and I have to go back in a week to get it checked again. I'm not sure what the treatment will be if it hasn't gone down by then, but they suggested a week off work to rest. Yeah right. I work in accounts, and there is a GST increase coming in a couple of weeks.....

I've also had to delay my knee surgery as I hadn't quite computed the fact that an operation on September 27th would mean that I wouldn't be there to make all the system and stock changes when the GST goes up on October 1st. What a blonde!

I discovered some more things I hate about being fat while on holiday:

* Having to 'squish' my shoulders up in the aeroplane
* Sweating at the slightest exertion in the heat
* Feeling self conscious when meeting new people
* Feeling embarrassed when seeing the photos of myself on the rides at the Theme Parks

None of these things enhanced my self esteem.

So....... Is there a magic fairy coming to wave her wand and make all the fat go away? Somehow (although this has been a long-running fantasy of mine) I don't think its very likely. Reading Kazz and BitchCakes blogs has got me realising that the only time I lose weight is when I exercise, and that exercise is the key to losing and maintaining the loss. So, bad knee and all, I've decided to get my body moving in any way I can.

I started with a 30 minute walk tonight, and plan to go to the gym on Saturday for a light workout. My 14 y.o son has just joined the gym too, so I'll head there with him until he cottons on that its not cool to be seen with an overweight woman in her mid 40's who also happens to go by the name "Mum"!!

I'm feeling cautiously optimistic.......

A big health scare

2010-09-02T02:29:00.000-07:00

I finally managed to get an appointment with a Rheumatologist last week to find out more about my Lupus. I found out that my skin condition has a (big) name: Subacute Cutaneous Lupus. Basically the subacute bit of the label just means that it's not chronic, it flares up (no kidding!!). I'm doing all the right things treatment wise - the only thing he suggested was that I should 'wrap' my skin in gladwrap when I put the cream on at night when its really bad, but I'm not sure hubby fancies sleeping with a sausage!

The health scare bit was my blood pressure - 191/109. I was told to keep a close eye on it, so I had it checked again 6 days later, and it was 174/116. I went to the GP the following day and it was 158/110. The upshot of this is that I've very quickly been put on blood pressure medication. I'm gutted, as I know if I lost weight it would drop, but I just can't get my sh*t together on the weight loss front.

We're off to the Gold Coast for a week tomorrow, so I'm not going to worry about it for the next few days. When I come back, I'm going to walk daily for a couple of weeks, then I have my knee surgery (which was approved by my health insurance today). Once I have recovered from the surgery I'm going to get serious about the exercise. It's the key for me - I have to move my body to lose weight.

I've just signed up my 14 year old son at my gym, and I've made him promise to go at least 3x a week to make the outlay worthwhile, so I'll probably be going with him (before he realises that its not cool to be seen with his Mum!).

I'm also going to blog more regularly post holiday, as it makes me focus and think more about what I'm doing in my life.

Now all I have to do is turn the plans into action. Watch this space!

Settling In

2010-07-24T15:08:00.000-07:00

The new house is starting to feel like home, which is great. The kids are happy, the weather is nice (even though it's winter), and I've now got my stress levels under control.

It's finally time to work on me!

Over the next two weeks I'm going to get the processed food that has crept in back out of my diet, then when our Japanese student leaves in 12 days, I'm going to try exercising again. My hip has been much better, but I noticed it was sore again last night. I had stood to watch my sons football game in the morning, and there has been no football for the last 6 weeks. I'm taking it as a notification from my body that standing for 2 hours is not on, so I'll take a chair for the sidelines in the future.

I'm feeling very positive at the moment - despite all the stress that is involved with moving, I think this move was a good one for our family. In the other house we scattered - there were enough rooms for everyone to be alone. This house is smaller, and apart from their bedrooms, the boys are with us. This seems to have forged a bit more tolerance in everyone's relationships. Last night was lovely. The boys sat at the dining table with their homemade pizzas, Rob and I joined them with a platter of nibbles and a glass of wine and we all just sat and chatted for 45 minutes. In the old house, the boys would have grabbed their pizza's and gone to the family room to watch the Top 40 music video's. Much nicer!

So.... it's off to do some home baking, vacuum the floors, hang the washing out and pick up the student. I'll try to take some photos of the new house to put up.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired!

2010-07-09T20:40:00.001-07:00

I sit here writing this afternoon with the sun pouring into the room and a cup of coffee at my side. Normally I would find this uplifting as I'm usually the kind of person who takes pleasure in the simple things.

Not so at the moment.

I don't think I've ever felt so low - physically, emotionally, spiritually. At the moment there's nothing in the tank.

I've been to the doctors twice this week and had a barrage of tests. So far the bloods have all come back normal, and I've got a chest x-ray and an abdominal ultrasound to have in a week. My liver function tests came in normal, but I've still got the dull ache in my liver area. Apparently I'm not yet into menopause and it's likely I'm still ovulating according to the hormone tests. Darn - I thought that the onset of menopause was possibly a good reason for the odd stuff going on!

My cold developed into ear, chest and sinus infections so I've given in and gone on antibiotics. Normally I won't go near them, but I think they are called for this time. When I speak I sound like a frog croaking! I haven't had an ear infection since I was a kid - now I know why babies cry so much with them! It's not so much the pain, it's the popping, fizzing and crackling when you move your jaw and head, and the fact that every sound seems like it's coming from far away and filtered through cotton wool. Pretty weird for a baby I reckon!

Anyway, all this has got me thinking about health in a broader sense than just my weight. My weight has always been an issue for me, but its become less important when I started thinking about the my general health - emotional, physical and spiritual. I've always allowed my weight and my distaste for being overweight and the lack of self control I have to rule how I feel about myself. That has been a major drain on my emotional health. How can I love and nurture others when I abuse myself? I manage to do it, but at what emotional cost? I'm seeing the weight loss counsellor next week and I think I'll be talking about this stuff. I know she's been nudging me in this direction from the start. She hasn't even discussed eating with me yet - all she's had me do is to think about what I 'need'. That's pretty hard to do - I can think about lots of wants, but what do I really need in my life? She says that I haveto make sure my needs are met before meeting the needs of those around me. Pretty hard for me to do when I don't feel like I deserve anything.

Sorry this is such a long, messy post. I'm trying to unscramble things by writing them down, and as another blogger wrote recently "it's my blog"!!

Anyway, I'm off to sit in the sun and work on loving myself!

Chris H - I'll try to take some photos of tne new house tomorrow. We're still at the messy stage of unpacking where 20% of each box has nowhere to go, and being ill has slowed it all down!

I'm back - in the new house and online

2010-07-03T14:34:00.000-07:00

Well the move went as these things do - it was long and exhausting. We thought we'd done really well 'condensing' all our stuff as we were moving into a smaller house, but what we hadn't calculated is that all the cupboards etc are smaller, so there's some more condensing yet to do.

We've ordered some big cupboards for the garage which should sort out the worst of it, and the rest should fit in a shed in the garden. The kids although growing up, aren't yet willing to get rid of the big bins of Lego, armies, knights and castles etc. We think we might get some of those big lidded plastic bins, seal them with tape and stacking them in the shed in the meantime. First we have to buy the shed.....

Both kids were sick the week we moved in, and now I've got it too. A throat so sore it's agony to swallow, and yesterday I had a massive headache (migraine?) with it. To top it all off, a coldsore has developed on the bridge of my nose (I usually get them above my eyebrow), and it's trying for the prize of herpe of the year! I've gone on oral acyclovir to nip it in the bud 'cos it's too close to my eye for my liking.

I had promised myself that I would look after myself once we moved, so it's a trip to the doctors on Monday. I wrote down all the things I wanted to discuss with him and wondered if I should have booked a double appointment! Most should be covered with a blood test and re-visit. I'm wondering if the menopause is calling - last month my cycle was 18 days from day 1 to bleeding, and I'm getting all sorts of hormonal rashs and night sweats are starting up. All this and I'm only 46! :-(

I'm also concerned as I've had some dull aching around the liver area. Normally this wouldn't concern me, but my sister (who is also overweight) has recently been diagnosed with 'non-alcoholic fatty liver disease', and I know it can run in families as another friend's Dad and brother both have it (and they're skinny!).

Anyway, I don't have a lot to share today as life has all been about unpacking. I'll post again after I've been to the doctor.

I have a sneaky suspicion that exercise might rear its head this week too......

Rumours of my demise have been greatly exaggerated!

2010-06-19T12:17:00.000-07:00

II'm still here. Not in blogland very much but my heart is still beating.....

D-day for moving is next Friday 25th June. This weekend is all about cleaning - my oven, dishwasher, fridge, cupboards etc. Once that is finished, it's on to packing my glassware and other items I don't trust the movers with. Oh, and putting together the flatpack TV stand. I know I have a husband, but trust me, erecting flat pack furniture is not his forte (maybe it's the whole following instructions thing?)!!

I have made myself some promises for once we're in the new house. Despite my back, hip and knee problems I am going to try to move my body in some way each day. It will be a walk, swim, bike ride or gentle workout at the gym. I am going to cut back on the carbs again, because I've become a carb junkie again. I'm going to try to make the majority of my food intake natural (no processed crap), and I'm going to take some time for me.

Recently I've cottoned on to the fact that I'm a bit of a martyr. All the boys in my house are naturally lazy and won't offer to do anything to help, so I'll get on with stuff, seething all the while that I'm the only one that gets on with what has to be done. (Which brings up the question as to whether or not it needs to be done, or is it just my anal side insisting that things be done the way I want them done?). Oh well, that one can be examined later.....
Anyway, I'm going to use my voice. I'll ask for help, then insist if it doesn't materialise. Maybe I won't feel so martyr-like if I do?

I have two things coming up in September. We're going on a family holiday to the Gold Coast at the start, and I'm having knee surgery at the end. I'd like to be at least 10 kg lighter for these events.

So...... that's my medium term goal. The short term one is remaining sane until we're in the new house.

Moving home is so stressful!

EDIT If I had a hat I'd be eating it. The aforementioned hubby has put together the TV stand. I remained out of the room while he was doing it to avoid giving helpful suggestions!

Trying something new - Six word Friday

2010-05-28T18:26:00.000-07:00

My life is hectic - nearly out of control. My eating is horrific, my blogging, self motivation and self esteem are nearly non-existent, so its time to try something new (she says, while sitting here eating a fish finger, cheese & salad sandwich with tartare and tomato sauce). Heck, at least its got salad in it!!

I was browsing through some of my favourite blogs and came across http://drbekkles.blogspot.com/ I love how she writes, her honesty, insight and introspection and really enjoyed her Six Word Friday effort.

Mine is below. I'd love it if any of you would like to write some six word lines in my comments that have meaning for you.....

My big, beautiful, brash, brave boys.

For you I would do anything;

Drive the car, clean the boots,

Patch the knees, hear the stories.

Take the love I give you

Absorb it, acknowledge it, store it.

Bring it out carefully one day

Used wisely, it will last forever.

Well, I'm off to get on with sorting out the house. Only 3 weeks 6 days until we move......

House things....

2010-05-15T14:35:00.000-07:00

We visited the house we're buying on friday afternoon to find that quite a bit of our furniture won't fit. We're having to get rid of a beautiful recycled rimu sideboard, computer desk, study desk, sofa bed and other bits and pieces.

TradeMe here we come.......!

Not much to report this week. My hip is still really sore with the bursitis and my knee continues to get more painful, so exercise has not been happening. I'm hoping that after another couple of weeks of physio I'll be strong and pain free enough to do some gentle walking and cycling.

In the meantime there's the cupboards, nooks and crannies in the house to clean out!

And that's where I'm heading right now......

LATER..... We managed to clean out the storage room which is filled with sporting equipment. It's amazing the junk you keep. We had the boxes for kids shin pads that had been worn for a couple of years and subsequently thrown out when they were knackered still in the cupboard!

Lots to do and little motivation

2010-05-08T15:26:00.000-07:00

For those of you who follow my blog, you will have noticed that I'm down to once a week now, AND I missed last week. Sorry - life has got so busy since I've been back at work full time!

It's just hit me that we move in 7 weeks. Pretty scary, as we're condensing a 260m2 house into 180m2. There are lots of cupboards to go through, and lots of junk to chuck out, so I'm going to gird my loins and start today. We had hoped to have a garage sale to get rid of it, but kids sport on a Saturday morning has put the kibosh on that. Maybe we can put large items on TradeMe, and find charities for the rest. Something to mull over while I'm gathering the junk!

I had another session with the weight loss psychologist this week. I'm not getting what I thought I wanted out of it, but I have a sneaky suspicion that I'm getting what I need! I thought I'd go along, tell her about my lifelong problems with overeating and she'd give me a 12 step plan which would 'cure' me if I followed it. WRONG!! In the first session she looked at my whole life and got a mental picture of what was happening when I was Yo-Yo'ing and then looked at my current life. She left me at the end of that session with "Go away and think about what you need before our next session". I really struggled with that...... What do I need? I have a lot of 'wants', but totally don't recognise any 'needs' in there. The only thing I could come up with is that I 'need' peace and quiet on a fairly regular basis or I get overloaded. In my family of noisy boisterous males, sound is dominant. There is always TV, radio, stereo, fighting, laughter etc. I crave silence.

She asked me how I got that. I guess the only time is when I'm on my own at home, or when I go for a walk. The walking is out at the moment because of the health problems, and theres hardly ever any time when someone else isn't at home.

The psychologist thinks I give too much of myself to my family and that I need to be more selfish at taking time for me. I'll have to give more thought to that one too.

Maybe while I'm clearing out the cupboards? ;-)

An interesting thing I've noticed in the last couple of weeks is that now diet and exercise are on the back burner, my weight has stabilised. I've stayed within a few hundred grams of the same weight for nearly 3 weeks, where I often fluctuate several kilos in that time. It's almost like my body has said "Yay, no calorie restriction or excess, and I'm not being made to stress myself with exercise - I can relax".

It's empowering to know that I can eat 'normally' and not gain.

Anyway, off to the cupboards......

Knee Surgery? Surely not, I'm too young.......

2010-04-25T22:58:00.000-07:00

Apparently not!

When I heard the phrase 'marked degeneration' from the Orthopaedic surgeon today I felt that it was definitely going to be bad news! Apparently my patella has been dragged sideways by some rogue tendons, which has left my cartilage exposed, which in turn has led to said cartilage being worn away. The words 'degenerative arthritis' and 'knee reconstruction' also came into the conversation.

I guess it explains why hills and stairs have been 'no-no's' for a while!

Anyhoo, I plumped (!) for the lesser of the evils and am booked for an Arthroscopic debridement and re-alignment of my right knee on September 27th - this was the first date I could organise where I wasn't moving house, driving kids around sports, going on holiday etc. The other option (the reconstruction) would have meant 8 weeks with a brace and no driving - a bit of a non-option for this working mother of 2 sporting boys! The clean-up of my knee should be day surgery (provided there are no complications), and I should only be off work for a week or so. Much more d0-able. If it works well it might put off the knee reconstruction or replacement for a decade (she says hopefully).

What this leads me to is......OMG, I have to have an anaesthetic and have a handsome young doctor rummage around inside my chubby knees!!! Talk about an incentive to lose some weight in the next 20 weeks. Exercise is a bit of a problem, but I can manage walks on flat ground and cycling with light resistance, so its really important that I get the eating right.

I think I might get out the old WW books tonight and start planning and tracking.

I lose weight fast when focussed, but I was hoping to lose weight slowly and keep it off the next time I tried in order to get the head 'stuff' sorted. Maybe I can work with the psych on the long term healthy stuff while losing weight fast? It strikes me that it's better to be as light as I can to have the anaesthetic and that the healthy mind stuff can wait until later (or be worked on in conjunction with the fast loss).

Hmmm....... lots to think about here.

Things I should be doing....

2010-04-16T18:54:00.001-07:00

I should be...

* Watching what I eat

* Exercising

* Baking for the return to school next week

* Buying my son new shoes for the winter term

* Going through my cupboards and clearing out crap before we move

* Finishing unpacking the groceries

* Changing the linen on the beds

..... the list is endless, and today I really don't feel like doing any of it!

Life has been so busy lately with selling the house and buying another, starting a new job, taking #1 son to Auckland for 3 days, end of Financial Year stuff at work, Stocktake at work etc, etc. To add to the stress, I put my back out on Monday night bending down putting my boots on (the damage was done when I straightened up), and I didn't sleep for the next 3 nights because of the pain. This was despite taking a 275mg painkiller (my migraine one) and a sleeping pill before bed - serious bummer.

On the plus side of life, I arranged to meet a lady whose blog I follow when I was in Auckland. This was something of a challenge for me, as I'm not one to operate outside my comfort zone and meeting a total stranger with the possibility that it could be awkward is definitely outside my comfort zone! As it happens, she was lovely and is in person, exactly how she is when she writes. We managed to talk for nearly 4 hours. It was good to meet you Chris!

My diet blog is a bit of a thing of the past. No dieting has happened with me for quite some time, and won't for the forseeable future as my head is not in the game! I am just trying not to be too stupid with my food choices and to avoid gaining.

Our life will be a bit different when we move into town. Both boys will be able to walk to and from school and I will be working 35 hours per week. I am going to have to get more organised with scheduling exercise as I used to fit it in between finishing work and picking the boys up from school. Maybe early in the morning will be possible, but I'll have to buy the boys extremely loud alarm clocks as both of them sleep through their current ones. Maybe that's because subconsciously they know Mum will come in and wake them..... hmmm, might be worth testing that theory!

I have recently had my hair cut short. I felt like a change as I've worn it the same way for so long, and my husband mentioned that he thought a short fringe and long hair looked a bit 'funny'. This man has loved me through thick and thin (literally - we're talking nearly a 40kg span) for the last 17 years with no comment on my physical appearance apart from to say 'Its good that you are healthy' if I lose weight and 'More of you to love' if I gain! The fact that he expressed a negative opinion about my hair was enough for me to do something about it!

Soooooo....... here is the new haircut. I don't smile in photos as I have 'apple' cheeks. My skin is already quite red from the lupus, so if I smile I look like a bit if a dumpling!

I think it looks OK, but I'm definitely not as good at doing it as the hairdresser. It hasn't looked the same since!

Anyway, enough of my ramblings. I'm off to procrastinate about getting on with things that should be gotten on with. I wonder if any of my friends want coffee.............?

Bad, Bad Boring Blogger!!

2010-04-03T14:34:00.000-07:00

I really don't have anything to say. I don't know if its because I am boring, because I think I'm boring or because my mind is a vacuum. Any of those 3 will do!

On the news front, our house is sold. We got a conditional contract (subject to house sale) on Tuesday 23rd March, followed by an unconditional contract for exactly the same price on March 30th. The people with the first contract have 3 business days to confirm if they can make their contract unconditional before we know who the buyers of our house are! Soooooo... we need to find a new house to live in. We have seen a couple of possibilities in the area we like, but we don't want to start negotiations until we are in a position to be 'cash' buyers ourselves, which will probably be around the end of next week.

Easter has seen us lazing around. Life has been so busy lately with job interviews, end of financial year, open homes every weekend (and all the cleaning that comes along with them), so we decided to oficially do nothing this weekend. I even read a whole book on Good Friday and managed a nana nap in the afternoon. Bliss!

My eating has been up and down. I can definitely confirm that carbs are not my friends. I started eating carbs around 10 days ago and all the old 'symptoms' are back. I'm getting headaches, sinus pain, acid stomach and cravings. These symptoms all disappeared when I cut wheat and sugar from my diet, so its back off them for me again. At least its now clear to me that my body doesn't run well on them, rather than being a vague idea.

My weight shot up by 1.5kg in the first couple of days off the anti-candida diet which probably reflected a drop in the water intake and an increase in the carb intake. Since then it has stabilised and remained the same for the last couple of weeks, so its time to start reducing again.

Hence, I'm off to the gym with the 14 year old son for the rest of the morning.....

Enjoy your Easter everyone.

Not doing so good this week

2010-03-27T12:56:00.000-07:00

One week off the anti-candida diet and 1.5kg of the weight is back on. I don't know if eating carbs makes you retain water or whether I've just been eating badly, but I'm ticked off at myself.

This weeks life lesson is that I have no self control around wheat and sugar products (take baked goods from that description!) I think to conquer this binge eating 'thing' that plagues me, I will have to forego said baked goods for eternity!

I found the anti-candida diet very restrictive, but..... I never felt hungry while I was on it. I've been hungry all week and started fantasising about drinking a can of coke on the very first day off it.

This weeks bad result was also compounded by being very busy. We have hosted a Japanese student for 8 days which involved lots of running around being good host parents, and on Tuesday I interviewed for an extra job for 15 hours a week, and at 9.45 on Tuesday night the real estate agent came around with an offer for our house (YIPPEE!!!). And a very good offer it was too - we accepted it. The people have got 8 weeks to sell their house, so its fingers crossed for us. On Thursday I got an e-mail from the company I interviewed with offering me the job, and inviting me in to meet the team on Friday morning. I start on April 16th, working Tuesdays and Fridays. Monday, Wednesday and Thursday are working for my current employer (a vet hospital).

Needless to say, with one child off from school on Monday and Tuesday with a vomiting bug and the second one off on Wednesday because he needed a strategic withdrawal to rest and chill out to ensure he didn't lose the plot (long story, special needs), I haven't made the gym once this week. BOO.

Oh well, next week its back to normal. Low/no carbs for me, 3 trips to the gym and up my water intake because it dropped off as soon as I was back on the carbs.

Hopefully I'll report a loss next Sunday.

Week 4 loss -1.1kg - total lost 8.9kg

2010-03-20T11:14:00.000-07:00

Week 4 saw a loss of 1.1kg, so it's a total loss in 4 weeks of 8.9kg.

I think it's pretty impressive really since I haven't felt hungry after the first day. Saying that...... my prompts to eat are different. I no longer have 'stomach' hunger - that feeling of emptiness and desire to eat that you get in your tummy. The only way I've noticed that I need to eat is that I get a bit light headed and 'spacey'.

I've finished the 4 week anti candida diet, and saw the naturopath yesterday. Unfortunately I haven't eliminated the candida totally, but I have improved to the stage that I have normal levels of stomach acid and I'm now digesting my food properly. He has me re-mineralising my body now. His take is that because I haven't digested my food properly (possibly for years), I haven't absorbed minerals adequately. The ones I tested short on are Manganese (lack of this causes tics and twitches), calcium and chromium (chromium regulates insulin activity). Sooooo ...... it's two weeks of taking mineral supplements and back for more testing.

I have been feeling so good with the way I am eating that I'm going to continue to avoid white flour and refined sugar. Our local bakery makes a 100% rye sourdough bread on Tuesdays, so I'm off to pick myself up a loaf of that and occasionally eat a slice toasted with avocado or tomato and egg on top. Potatoes are also off the menu for me - I've really enjoyed eating kumara (sweet potato) instead, and they are much lower GI.

I saw the eating disorders psychologist on Friday. I came away feeling a little confused. I thought the sessions would all be about why I eat and giving me tools to change, but no! She links my overeating to my stress load, but apparently I'm a bit of a martyr - I let myself become subsumed in my family, and as a result I'm not getting my needs met. (I have 3 very high maintenance males - 2 sons and 1 husband {not to mention the neurotic dog!}). So, my homework for the next fortnight is to ask myself the question What do I need?

I have no clue what I need out of my life. I love my family even if they are a pack of selfish males. Perhaps what I need is to have a voice instead of constantly being the quiet calm one, pouring oil on troubled waters. The only thing is......
I hate conflict. I'm a wimp. I give good argument in my head, but it doesn't come out the way it sounds when I think it, so therefore, I don't say it.

I'm going to have to give that one some thought...........

How do my readers ensure they get their needs met in their hectic lives?

End of Week 3 - 7.8kg off

2010-03-13T19:35:00.000-08:00

This last week has been interesting, with quite a few challenges in it. But..... I haven't once wanted to eat as a result of them. The only craving I've had has been for coffee, and hopefully I'll be allowed one a day from next week.

The loss for the past week was 1.5kg, bringing the total lost for three weeks to 7.8kg, and weight at 108kg. It's interesting that I started this eating plan to try to rid my body of an overgrowth of the candida bacteria and it's had such a lovely spinoff on the weight loss side. It's taught me that sugar and white flour are definitely not my friends. When I eat those foods I just crave more (and more, and more!). When I'm not eating them, I have no appetite, and only eat small amounts when its time to eat. AND..... I don't think about food and what I'm going to eat next all the time.

I just read a post from another blogger who has been on a bit of a journey of self investigation and self understanding with her weight loss, and she has really motivated me to learn more about my body. To 'educate' myself in more than one way. I want to know what my body can do with exercise, what I can do with what I eat, what makes me hungry, what satisfies me (both emotionally and physically) without being detrimental to my health (both physical and mental). I'm going to become a ME expert!!

I'll share one of my new favourite recipes with you below. No photos, because it doesn't look great, but it tastes lovely!
We have a german sausage shop here who do totally natural sausages (i.e. no 'fillers' - just meat and herbs). I have been making this dish with their slim Nurnberger Bratwurst.

2 natural sausages, precooked and sliced into 1 cm pieces.
1/2 red onion (chopped) & 2 cloves of garlic (crushed) sauteed in olive oil until soft
Add 1/2 each of chopped red and green pepper and sautee for a few more minutes
Add 1/2 can chopped tomatoes (in puree if you can get them)
and finally, the chopped sausages

and, depending on your mood or carb requirements, either

1/2 can canellini beans (drained), or
1/2 cup cooked brown rice

This takes about 5 minutes and tastes absolutely delicious

I can make this in the morning while the kids are having breakfast and take it to work for lunch. YUM!

Someone or something is out to get me!!

2010-03-11T18:34:00.001-08:00

Well I know its a bit of a paranoid heading, but after the last couple of days I've just had, its how I feel!

On Wednesday our painter had finished staining the gables on our roof and left the remaining paint behind a pillar at the entrance to our house. I went to pick up the can of stain and somehow it slipped out of my hands landing on the ground with all the contents spilling out at a great rate of knots, all over my front entranceway, and worse.... up the brick wall!

This led to a frantic hour with meths and small paintbrushes wielded by my son and I. We managed to minimise the worst of the staining on the brickwork (the bricks are clay ones with some colour effects in them), but the asphalt was wrecked. We got the local asphalt company to come and look on Thursday, and they are going to cut out 2 square metres and re-lay it. This means instead of having a large stain outside our front door, we'll have a large patch of black asphalt inserted into all the weathered grey asphalt. He usefully said that the stain should weather out in 2 years or so. That's not an option as our house is on the market at the moment!

Then.... on Thursday night I was tidying up as the photographer was due to come and take pictures of our house at twilight with it all lit up inside. I had gone out to tidy up the chairs around the outside table when a bug flew into my eye. I don't know if it stung me, but I had an immediate excruciating pain and it felt like there was a baby elephant in there! By the time I ran inside both my eyeball and the surrounding lid and lower eye were all swollen & red. I managed to get the bug out and rinsed my eye several times but this morning woke up to my eye completely sealed shut with 'gunk'. I went to the doctor and got some antibiotic eye drops, but I have a swollen, bright red eye which is constantly weeping today. Pretty!

I tried to take a picture of it, but my camera doesn't like being that close and I just got a freaky piggy little eye with no detail. Sorry to disappoint!

I work in a vet hospital and the vets suggested this morning that the bug panicked and passed 'waste products' in my eye. Lovely.

I'm just waiting for the third thing to happen........!

End of week 2 - 6.3kg off!!!

2010-03-06T12:25:00.001-08:00

I weighed in at 109.5 this morning (slightly annoying, 'cos I was 109.1 yesterday morning!). Even so, it was a 1.7kg loss for the week - not to be sniffed at, and 6.3kg for the fortnight. I caught up with the guy who suggested the anti-candida diet to me on Friday and he said he wouldn't be surprised if I lost 10-11kg for the 4 weeks on this regime. It seems so weird because I'm eating butter, avocado, eggs, the fat on my meat etc. I'm not weighing, measuring or counting calories either. I just eat what I want of the allowed foods when I'm hungry.

My energy levels are coming back to normal, and I've managed 2 gym workouts and a walk around the Mount so far this week. I'm planning 3 gym workouts for next week, plus a few small walks. My gym have just introduced 24 hour access. They've got this funky electronic disc that you swipe and it opens the doors, disarms the alarms and turns the lights on. No excuse for not finding time to exercise now! I wonder how many people will be there at 4.30 a.m.?.........

Not a lot to say today! I'm off to clean out cupboards today because I'm certain our house is going to sell in the next month.......

End of Week One

2010-02-27T11:16:00.000-08:00

I have managed my first week with no sugar, coffee, flour, vinegar, sauces, mushrooms, fruit, carrots, peas, potatoes etc.

Weight this morning: 111.2kgs - a loss of 4.6kg for the week.

On the downside, my muscles tire very easily, I'm guessing because there's very little stored glycogen due to the low carbs. I've had a few wicked headaches, and 'digestive' issues, along with a few times when I've suddenly broken out into a clammy sweat. I think these are all symptoms of the candida die off. As it dies off it releases toxins which your body has to eliminate.

On the upside, my foggy brain has gone, along with my allergy symptoms. I can think more clearly, and I no longer have the constant post nasal drip of the chronically allergic. My skin hasn't improved much yet - I think that might take another couple of weeks to improve (if it does at all).

I had my first session with the eating psychologist on Friday. Mostly it was an information gathering exercise on her side, but she made a couple of comments that had me thinking. We discussed the fact that I have never maintained a steady weight since being a teenager - its always been on the down or the up, but never settled. She noted that there is a family history of mild Aspergers Syndrome, which essentially is problems with self regulation. She also noted that my Lupus is an issue where the body loses the ability to regulate itself, and is going to do some research into this before our next meeting. I'm not seeing her again for 3 weeks as she wants me to complete the anti-candida four week detox before our next meeting. I really think she might be able to help me with gaining some control over my out of control eating habits.

Cautiously optimistic is how I'd look at it!

Low Gi and Low Carb Eating

2010-02-24T19:02:00.000-08:00

I'm now on day 5 of my anti-candida eating plan, and have noticed that I'm no longer hungry! Not only am I no longer hungry, I only ate 1/2 of my lunch today as I got too full. Lunch was a salad of brown rice, tuna, veges, fresh coriander and yoghurt.

Weighing myself this morning (after completing 4 days on the eating plan), my weight was 112.1, a whopping 3.7kg loss for 4 days! (Mind you, the first day was clothed and after breakfast, so maybe it's not quite so much ;-). I think upping the water to 2-3 litres a day has been good for getting rid of retained fluid as I can now wear my rings again.

Mind you, I know at the end of the 28 days the first thing I do will be to have a BIG coffee! I've missed my caffeine so much, and really can't get into the fruit/green tea thing.

My diet has been the following:

Breakfast - either porridge with 1/4 of a papaya, or
2 poached eggs with 2 ryvita

Morning Tea - handful of nuts and seeds

Lunch - either 4 ryvita topped with mashed avocado, sliced tomato, sliced boiled egg and salt & pepper (YUMMY!)
or 1/2 cup cooked brown rice mixed with either chicken or tuna, veges, fresh herbs & yoghurt

Afternoon Tea - either 2 rice cakes or 2 ryvita topped with almond butter

Dinner - Meat & green veges & occasionally kumara

I might try 'pointing' my daily intake, because it doesn't seem low with the almond butter and avocado!

I read an article in the paper about a woman in Timaru who has cured her daughters eczema by changing her diet and taking out the 'goo'. Goo being anything with a letter or number in the nutritional content. She has added back saturated fat in the form of butter, meat fat, cream and coconut oil. This interests me as I have an auto immune disorder, and one of my sons is plagued with allergies, asthma and eczema. I had been thinking for a while about taking my diet back to 'pre refined' food, more like the food our grandparents ate. If you are interested, her website is http://www.betterbods.co.nz/
I've purchased her cookbook, and have got the book of her daughters journey out of the library today.

My Nana was a large lady (described as 'well corseted' - she was very firm when you hugged her!). During the last 40 years her weight yo-yo'd from being a size 20, down to a size 14. They lived on a dairy farm, and had lots of roasts and red meat, with dessert and cream or ice-cream every night. She smoked up to 60 cigarettes a day, and died at 88 of post-op complications. Had she not had the op, I'm sure she'd still be here with us today in her 90's :-) All that sat fat didn't seem to do her any harm. Incidentally, her weight only started yo-yoing after she started dieting - who'd have thought?!!

I'm sure this eating plan will have it's challenges, but for the moment I'm doing OK.

Anti-Candida Diet

2010-02-20T14:26:00.000-08:00

I bit the bullet and went to see the 'guru' at the local health store yesterday. He specialises in homeo-botanical remedies and has had a lot of success in helping people with auto-immune disease.

Anyway, after the testing he recommends that I need to do a parasite cleanse, combined with 4 weeks of an anti-candida diet. I am riddled with Candida (something I had wondered about, as I have always had lots of yeast infections from a young age). Apparently candida overgrowth can occur when your stomach acid is too low to keep everything under control. Candida feeds off sugar, and carbs are one of my major cravings so I'm hoping that the anti-candida diet will help me get control of my constant desire to eat crap!

I am not allowed the following:

Peanuts
Cashews
Corn, Peas, Carrots, Potatoes, Pumpkin, Mushrooms
All processed & smoked meats and fish
Fruit (apart from strawberries, pawpaw, cherries and rhubarb)
White Rice & Jasmine Rice
Dairy Products
Wheat Products
Fruit Juice, Coffee, Tea, Alcohol, Fizzy Drinks
Sugar, Honey, Molasses, Artificial Sweeteners

It looks like porridge or eggs for brekkie, salads with either meat or tuna & rice for lunch, meat & veges & Kumara for tea with lots of water and herbal tea! I really want to do this and be successful, as I am constantly fatigued and feel unwell. The doctor has done blood tests etc and there is no medical reason for the constant exhaustion, so this is worth a go in my book.

He said that because my candida is very strong and I am in an auto-immune state with my Lupus that I could feel very unwell at around the one week mark and that the candida may try to colonise my skin as it's being killed off from my organs. I have to go back if that happens and he'll prescribe some very high vitamin C therapy to assist.

Lovely - something to look forward to next weekend!

I'm going to be very kind to myself over the next few weeks with gentle walks and lots of sleep.

Starting weight before doing this is 115.8kg. Watch this space to see how all this healthy food affects me........

Wish me luck :-)

Life just keeps getting busier!

2010-02-15T09:13:00.000-08:00

My posting has fallen off this week. It's a combination of back to work, kids back to school, after school activities starting up and hosting a Japanese student for 10 days. As my Nana would have said, "I'm so busy I don't know my ass from my elbow"!

Plans? I don't really have any. I've got a vague idea in my head that I'm going to start with things like no toast at breakfast time etc, but haven't really given too much of the grey matter to the contemplation yet.

AND.... the eating disorders psychologist I had booked for the day after my birthday called and delayed me by a week. That in itself was a bit of a psychological challenge as I'd mentally prepared myself for a good talking to (inside my head!) and a change in my habits starting from my birthday.

Wonder if I can manage that anyway?

Sorry this is disjointed.....it's a reflection of my brain at this current time!

Weight Loss Blog?

2010-02-07T22:18:00.000-08:00

I originally started this blog as a way to record my weight loss journey, but have noticed lately that it is more a bit of a record of my life's minutiae.

Is this because my life is interesting? NO! Its because my weight loss attempts have been abysmal and theres really nothing to record in that camp!

So......... what am I doing about it? I'm doing what I always do, which is delaying my diet until (insert any of the following excuses, plus any you can think of)....until my birthday is over, my sons birthday is over, our friends come at the weekend etc, etc. The favourite excuse this month is there's no point in starting until I see the eating disorders psychologist on the 19th of February (which is incidentally the day after my birthday, providing two excuses in one!!). :-) After all, she might tell me that diets don't work and not to go on one!

Not dieting is the tactic I've been following lately, "I'll control my weight through exercise and healthy eating" I say - unfortunately it just allows me to be creative with the crap I put in my mouth, and to make ever more bizarre excuses to myself justifying what I'm eating. I'm exercising - walking 3-5 mornings a week for 30 minutes, and doing 3 x 70 minute interval training workouts at the gym during the week, but the scales ain't moving. (Neither down or up).

I'm at a bit of a crossroads really. I'm on the merry-go-ride with all the will in the world, desperately trying to grasp the brass ring of self-control, but it remains elusively out of reach.

What works for you in the motivation stakes?

The best laid plans.....

2010-02-03T19:18:00.000-08:00

OOPS, wrong photo and I don't know how to delete it!!

Well, the best laid plans sometimes fail. I packed my bag for the gym this morning, planning on leaving work at 1 p.m. and having my workout before picking up the boys. (Please remember, I've been off work for a fortnight, and consequently have 2 weeks work to catch up on, so I needed to work hard to achieve this)!

As soon as I got into work, the receptionist asked if I could cover her lunch break and the lunch break of the receptionist in the other clinic 9 km away. Trying to be a good team member I thought I might be able to do it and still get away by around 1.30 if the girl in our clinic went early.

WRONG!!

I managed the first one, but when I got over to the other clinic I ended up spending 2 hours working on a cash reconciliation problem and finally got away just before 2.30 p.m.! No chance for the gym tonight either as hubby is at his football training. I wonder if the boys would be alright for an hour and a half on their own.....? Better not - we're still 4 weeks shy of #1 son turning 14, so its not yet legal to leave them on their own!

Chris - I'll describe what we've done to the living area, as you can't really tell clearly from the photos! We've moved all the furniture in from the perimeters of the room and grouped it around the new rug to make a defined 'area'. We also removed a big bookcase from one of the walls and replaced it with a huge mirror which makes the room seems lots bigger. We then purchased a new rug for the dining area which is a lovely deep ruby colour with a koru in a different weave - it matches the glass splashback (see older post!).

I think the last thing to do is to find some cushions for the couch. I was thinking either cream/beige with some of the ruby colour on them for contrast. Suggestions welcome!!

I still can't move photos. When I click on them I get the little boxes all around the outside, but they don't move when I try to drag them, and I can't delete them either. Maybe it's something in my settings?

I can't let the rot set in!

2010-02-02T22:30:00.000-08:00

It was back to school for #2 son and back to work for me today. (#1 son hung around the house in his underpants playing playstation3 all day as he doesn't go back until tomorrow)!

My original plan for the day was to come home from work at 3.30, go to the physio at 5, then carry on to the gym for a workout. Well, that one got blown out of the water!!

I had a terrible nights sleep last night, woke up at 5.45 a.m. feeling really shitty but made myself go out for a 1/2 hour walk, (probably worrying about my just 10 year old son starting in year 7 at a school of 1,200 children!). I then had a really busy day at work ('cos it was my first day back after 15 days off and no-one does my job while I'm away). I found I was just too tired for the gym by 5 p.m.

Sooooooooo..... I'm going to have to start the original plan next week and actually leave work at 1 p.m two days a week to go to the gym before picking #2 son up at school. My lesson for today is that leaving the gym workout until the end of the day is not a successful outcome for a busy working Mum!

Off to make sushi for our lunches tomorrow. YUM!

Computer illiterate....

2010-02-01T10:08:00.000-08:00

I was logging into blogger this morning in the (near dark) study when my fingers accidentally hit a couple of keys. The result of my oafish login attempts is that my top toolbar on Explorer is awol. It appears when I put the mouse over it, but I can't seem to do anything to get it back permanently. HELP!!

Apart from that, I'm organised for the day before school. In fact, I was writing lists of things to do in bed at 6.10 a.m. this morning. Sad eh?

Our house is on the market, and some of the feedback is that the decor is 'dated', which is a bit funny, because the house is only 5 years old! It's funny how when you live with something you don't notice it, but when my hubby and I looked around the living area I can see what people mean. We didn't decorate the house, it is as it was when we bought it. I remember thinking "it will really lift the room if we change the curtains and put a rug in", but I never did it. We just got used to living here and stopped 'seeing' it. We have grey/green carpet, beige wallpaper and lighter beige (plain) curtains in the open plan living area. In it is the kitchen/dining area which is a cream tiled floor, grey units and a lovely burgundy glass wall around 3 sides of the kitchen.

Anyway, we decided to tart up the room to make it look more attractive. We've removed the bookcase, putting a large mirror on that wall, added a rug, and I'm investigating what new curtains will cost. It seems sensible to spend $1,000 - $1,500 as the feedback is that the changes would add more than what they cost onto what we'll be offered for the house.

Now, back to the computer illiteracy...... I tried to add the photo's under the paragraph about my house, but they went at the top. Can any of you bloggers who know what you're doing tell me what to do to insert them where you want them?

I'll post photo's tomorrow of how the room looks with the changes we've made (without the new curtains tho' - that'll take a few weeks!).

I hurt ....... all over!

2010-01-29T14:38:00.000-08:00

I really don't have much to say today except that my body hurts all over. I guess it's a good sign, but I feel very weary!

Never mind, the housework is done, hubby has taken the boys out to play tennis which gives me an illicit hour to myself. If I was sensible I'd head over to Rebel Sports to get some new sports socks, but a coffee and my book beckons.......

Grumpy old cow?

2010-01-28T12:49:00.001-08:00

Yes, I did it. Another workout at the gym before breakfast this morning. Yay me! Now to shift those remaining 30 excess kilos that keep clinging to my frame......

I was 'super-setting' my abductor and adductor exercises this morning (going from one to the other without a break for 3 sets of 15 repetitions) and had done 5 of the 6 sets when I was about to move to the adductor machine for the final set. I was 'in the zone' and really going for it. Just as I got of the abductor machine and about to move the 80 cm across the floor to the other machine, an older lady moved to the machine I was going to. My initial reaction was annoyance - couldn't she see I was super-setting?

What a bad person I am! I stood watching her for a few seconds and it became very clear that she didn't know how to use the machine. I mentally told myself off for being such a grumpy old cow and showed her how to use the machine safely.

I think that counts as a random act of kindness to start my day off positively! She seemed pleased anyway.

Hubby has taken the day off work to have a nice 'family' day. It's 9.56 a.m. and the kids have had 2 fights already.... I think I'd better go and have a coffee and start the days interventions!

OUCH!!

2010-01-26T11:43:00.000-08:00

I went to the gym at 6.15 this morning and completed my new program. I had forgotten how hard it is to start up again after a break, and as my program is the most draining I have done in a long time, I know I'm in for a lot of 'OUCH' tomorrow!

What I did was:

10 minutes rowing to warm up (104 cals burned)
2 x 20 sets of clean & press, lifting 2 x 5kg dumbbells (couldn't manage 3 sets - I'll have to work up to that)
15 minutes interval training on the cross trainer (185 cals burned)
3 x 15 reps on the adductor machine (25kg)
3 x 15 reps on the abductor machine (25kg)
15 minutes interval training on the bike (142 cals burned)
stretches

My body has that 'hum' you get when you've worked out hard, but I'm sure the pain will kick in later!

Chris - I managed a healthy option at the pancake place by not having pancakes! I had their veggie burger, and only ate half the bun. It was yummy - lots of salad leaves, an egg, tomato, relish, gherkin and some avocado all drizzled with a lite balsamic vinagrette, accompanied by two trim flat whites. I felt reasonably proud of myself when I left! Dinner was a self-crusting quiche (only 1/2 cup flour over 6 serves) with bacon, courgette, mushroom and peppers and a big green salad. A reasonably low carb day.

Today brings shopping for school sandals, stationery and baking for the freezer. Its funny how I bake for the kids lunches at the end of the holidays, but never keep it up during the term!!

Bloody Sinus Headaches!

2010-01-25T13:00:00.000-08:00

I suffer from year round sinus headaches - normally at least one a week. We live in an area of high horticulture, and it's apparently quite common where we live. They make me feel like sh*t. Days like these are where I usually stumble and fall on the healthy living front - 'cos I feel so crap, I don't have any energy and its hard to be positive about exercise, diet etc, but I've taken enough pills to fell an elephant, so hopefully I will feel better soon!

Today sees us travelling to the Athenree Gorge to meet friends from Palmerston North who are holidaying in Waihi Beach. We'll have lunch at the Flip 'n Bear Pancake place (good choices there I hope), and the kids can feed the tame eels in the creek. Yuck!

I'll try for my walk this evening when it gets cooler.

Have a good day all.

Happy Holidays

2010-01-24T17:27:00.001-08:00

Having worked all through Christmas and New Year, I'm now officially on holiday until February 3rd when the kids go back to school. YAY!! We had a few nights away camping with a group of friends last week and had a ball. This week will be filled up with baking for the freezer for school lunches, buying new school sandals and chilling at home.

I'm finally bringing together all the random threads in my healthy living quest, which honestly til now have just been thoughts. Here they are (in no particular order. I said random!!)

1. I am cutting carbs waaaaay down. My digestion doesn't like them, and my cutaneous lupus flares reduce when I eat lots of fruit & veges and low carbs.

2. I am re-arranging my work hours and giving up my Friday off :-( so I can finish work at 1 p.m. 3 days a week to get to the gym before picking up the kids from school.

3. I hate sandwiches, so I'm going to cook extra tea, or make frittatas or sushi for my lunches. That way Macca's won't beckon me with it's lovely golden arches, nor will the lovely Koreans at the Turkish Kebab Shop tempt me with their tasty kebabs.....

4. I'm going to attempt to drink in excess of 2 litres of water a day because it makes me stop retaining fluid and my skin problems (from the lupus) are better when I'm hydrated.

5. I have made an appointment with an eating disorders psychologist for 19th February to try to figure out my obsession with sabotaging my weight loss. I reckon I've lost over 120 kilograms as an adult. Scary!

There's more, but that's the start.

I tried my new programme at the gym this morning. I think it's going to kill me for a while, but I want to be challenged. The trainer has put in lots of interval training on the bike and cross trainer and 60 - yes count them, 60 clean and press lifts with 10kgs of weight (squat & pick up weight from floor, bring it to hips, bend elbows bringing weight to shoulders, push weight to full arm stretch above head, then reverse everything, bringing the weight back down to floor). Apparently it works nearly every major muscle group! He also weighed and measured me.... AAAARGH. How depressing having a slim, fit young man putting a tape measure around my ample girth!

Oh well, onwards and downwards for this WW'er!

Promises, not resolutions

2010-01-08T20:30:00.000-08:00

I've made myself a couple of promises this week. One I referred to in an earlier post of 5 x 30 minute walks and 3 gym sessions a week, and the other one formed during the week after we booked a family holiday to the Gold Coast in September next year.

I looked at my current size and fitness, and made a promise to myself that I will be fit enough and slim enough to keep up with the boys for the entire 7 days we will be playing over there.

I'm not putting a scale number to it, because I will become destination oriented, rather than journey oriented (which is where I want be).

I've also vowed to begin being kinder to myself. I've allowed myself to be swallowed up by all the problems we have had in the past few years with children, money etc. I've been at risk of losing myself while I've been trying to meet everyone elses needs, and totally neglecting my own. The conclusion I've come to is that it's not going to kill my family to not constantly have their needs met, but it will kill me trying to meet them.

For those of you who don't know me, a brief potted history follows.....

We have a son with high needs. Not health wise, more educationally. He's got extremely high intelligence (in the top 1% of the top 1% for IQ), but alongside it has severe behavioural issues. Schooling has been a nightmare so far, and we've spent more time than we can count with the so called 'experts' in the field, trying to meet his needs, and feeling that we've somehow failed in our parenting. We also have another son who is in the 'teen' years (which bring parenting fun along with them!). I am not able to work more than 20 hours a week because I have to be there before and after school for our younger boy, so our family income has been compromised. Things finally seem to be on the up, with our boy being put forward a year at school. The acceleration combined with a good teacher made 2009 a much better year (he only got stood down once!). He has the challenge of starting intermediate school (Year 7) in 2010 at only just 10 years old, but we're feeling pretty hopeful that things will work out OK.

Anyway, I started being kinder to myself today with a trip to the gym this afternoon, followed by a long visit with a convalescing friend. The boys all seemed to survive without me.....

Tomorrow brings a long walk in the morning, and another day of being kinder to myself!

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

2010-01-07T09:42:00.000-08:00

I am the excuse queen. There's always a reason not to 'because'.....

I have been getting up and walking in the mornings - a quick 30 minutes around our subdivision, which I'm pleased that I'm doing. 1 year ago walking was like breathing to me, I had to do it. Once I got off the wagon, all exercise stopped and I forgot how good it makes me feel.

Anyway, I'm getting off my intended track here! I ended up working a 9 hour shift yesterday, with not even one tea break. I got home all prepared to go to the gym with my friend, but she called and blew me out. I then thought I'd go alone, but the real estate agent called and said she had a viewing at our house at 10.30 a.m. on Friday. I couldn't go to the gym for one measly hour then, oh no, I had to clean and tidy.

I was reflecting on this during my walk this morning, and I realised I was just looking for an excuse not to go because I was tired from my long day (I'm a girl who works 20 hours a week, not 9 hour days!!). I've decided that 5 walks and 3 gym sessions is my minimum. If I skip a gym session it has to be re-scheduled in that 7 day period - there's no getting out of it!

I follow a blog of a girl to whom exercise didn't come naturally (you know who you are!!), but I have nothing but admiration for her grit and determination to keep going and get past the pain and difficulties that exercising bring to us. I need to stop being such a cream puff and get some grit. Yup, it hurts, but eventually it will make me feel good.

I'm off to finish the cleaning now!! Wish me luck for a buyer....

Todays steps

2010-01-02T19:56:00.000-08:00

The small steps I have taken today are:

only one slice of toast instead of two at breakfast - no butter on the toast, just some marmalade
one hour workout at the gym
30 minutes walking the dog

At the gym I did the following:

10 min warm-up on the bike (130bpm heartrate)
stretches
10 min walking on treadmill between 6 and 6.4km/hour on a 1% incline
3 x 10 leg extensions (no weight added due to knee probs)
2 x 12 (20kg) chest press
4 kg dumbbells 2 x 10 bicep curls
4 kg dumbbells 2 x 10 shoulder raises
10 min on the crosstrainer (140bpm heartrate)
5 minutes rowing at 30 strokes/min

All up, the machines told me I'd burned off 350 calories, which is 350 calories more than I would have if I'd stayed at home reading my book (which is what I wanted to do)!

My eating still hasn't been great. I think I would be a terrible stay at home Mum 'cos when I'm at home I graze all day. At least when I'm at work I have meals.

Roll on Tuesday when I'm back at work......

A trip to the gym

2010-01-01T18:39:00.001-08:00

I took the bull by the horns this morning and decided to go to the gym. Had a light breakfast, got into my gear and got into the car to head in (feeling very proud of myself).

Pulled up at the gym thinking "good, it's really quiet in there". It was extremely quiet..... it wasn't open! They don't open again until tomorrow! I thought about going for a walk, but unfortunately it was too sunny (I have Lupus which is exacerbated by the sun), so the mission was aborted.

Drove home and cut hubby & sons hair instead!

Oh well, it's open tomorrow. Watch this space.....

A New Year

2009-12-31T10:59:00.000-08:00

Well, hasn't it been a long time! It's amazing how the days slip by when you are not looking after yourself.

I have fallen, jumped, slipped, slid, dived and slunk off the dieting wagon since around April last year. I have practised the arts of self deception, avoidance and self loathing while all the time stuffing my face with anything that stopped still long enough. I deserved it! I had conscientiously dieted for 5 months and lost 27 kilos. I needed reward for all that self-deprivation! It's not fair that 17 of the 27 kilo's have mysteriously found me again!

Hmmmm..... anyone seeing a pattern here?

I must have lost well over 100kg during my adult life. Imagine if that effort had been put into maintaining a fit, healthy body? Unfortunately, it seems you have to have a fit, healthy mind to do that!

Which leads me on to my latest (final?) realisation..... I HAVE TO GET MY MIND RIGHT!!! It's not the weight that is the problem, it's the thoughts that fuel the addictive desire to eat.

So..... I've made an appointment on February 19th to see a psychologist who specialises in eating disorders. I'm not going to diet before seeing her (although, when put in the diet 'prison' I do seem to do rather well at it :-) ), but I am going to start to look after myself, rather than either existing either in the dieting euphoria or the overeating doldrums.

I've made a committment to myself to exercise at least three times a week from here on in, and to attempt healthy choices when eating. I'm not going to beat myself up when I don't always achieve this.

Small steps will be my way forward, rather than the giant leaps I usually make when on a crusade to lose weight. I hope that losing weight will be the by-product of my mind getting healthier.

Happy New Year everyone.

PS - this is not a New Years resolution. They don't work for me! This mindset is the result of several months of self examination and the feeling of hating being fat for yet another summer!! I plan for it to stay with me.

Small steps

2009-08-29T16:50:00.000-07:00

I'm taking small steps, but lots of them! In the last week I've upped my water intake, and got up at 6.45 a.m. 4 out of 5 days for a half hour walk. On Saturday I met a friend and we went around the Mount twice (1 1/4 hours). I've been better with my food, not perfect, but better. I also haven't got on the scales, and I'm not sure when I will, because I become obsessed when I start weighing myself.

What I do know, is that I feel better and a much happier person taking these small steps back to a more healthy lifestyle. I had a very emotionally upsetting day on Friday, and I didn't binge. I came home, got busy for an hour or so with household chores, and when I sat down, I gave myself a small bowl of crisps, ate those, and stopped. Bit of a victory really!

I'll keep on keeping on this week, doing the same, and trying not to eat crisps!

Tentatively improving attitude

2009-08-24T19:38:00.000-07:00

My attitude has sucked all through winter. I have been right back in the old "if it's not moving, cram it in your mouth" mode. Why? I have no idea. All the usual blah, blah about self sabotage, concentrating on the destination not the journey, scared of being slim etc.

There's no-one to blame. I make the choices about what I put in my mouth and how much I move my body, and choices they are. No-one's been making me do it.

Anyhoo, my mojo is creeping back. It's not arrived blazing in glory as it usually does, but reflection on this has made me decide that this is a good thing. I usually go gangbusters at the old diet and exercise 'thing' and burn out fairly quickly. It's the old eating for life for me now. Yeah, I know, you've all heard it before (I've said it before), but I hope that this time it will stick a bit longer.

I've been talking a lot about 'normal' eating with my slim friends, and have been surprised to learn that they binge, have bad days etc. Only for them, it doesn't go on for months, weeks or even days. It might be one bad day, or one bad meal, then they go back to their normal eating patterns and do a bit of extra exercise to compensate. OK, I'll have to work on that one.

But..... I don't want to hide in baggy clothes this summer, I want to go to the beach and not feel inferior.

Here goes......

M.I.A.

2009-08-03T20:59:00.001-07:00

Yep, thats me. Missing in action (actually if I'm totally honest, there's not been much action at all, as my bum has been welded to the Lazyboy)! I hate winter - cold days, wind, rain, no sunshine etc, etc. It makes me feel miserable, and I'm sure I suffer from SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder. I've been a right miserable cow, and up until the weekend, couldn't snap out of it.

I had coffee with two of my girlfriends on Friday. As usual, the conversation got around to diets (or lack thereof in my case). One of my friends commented that when I diet I do it with 150% commitment, but when I break the diet, I apply the same commitment to the overeating (bingeing I hear?)! She's right.

She went on to say "Why don't you stop?". (nb: this is a slim, fit woman who to my knowledge has never been overweight). "Stop?" I asked. "Stop weighing yourself, stop dieting and start trying for a healthy life" she replied. "Surely a 30% commitment to a healthier you would be a 30% better result than constantly gaining and losing?". The idea both horrified and intrigued me, and I continued to mentally re-visit it over the weekend. You have to diet and be disciplined to lose weight in my experience.

I've been reading Craig Harper's blogs for a while now, and he makes a lot of sense to me. Interestingly that day, his post was about focussing on the destination, rather than the journey, and that is something I'm horribly guilty of. "When I get slim, all my problems will be gone and life will be wonderful"! Maybe I need to just get on with what I've got (which incidentally is pretty damn good) and be a happier person with who I am, not who I might be. No, I'm not giving up the desire to be slimmer and healthier, I just need to find a way of doing it where I'm not either "on" or "off" a diet. I've got a wonderful, loving husband, two great kids, a nice house, a part-time job that is both flexible and interesting, so I need to start enjoying it now, rather than waiting for a time when all my ducks are lined up to be satisfied with myself.

I walked up the Mount with the aforementioned two girlfriends on Sunday (it nearly killed me), and during the walk I quizzed them on their eating habits. Neither of their weight fluctuates more than a few kilo's (not the 25-30 kg range I have), so it was a bit of a learning situation for me. They do eat badly, but what they do is stop after one meal/day etc, and balance things out the next day. i.e. if they come home in the afternoon with the kids and eat home baking, then have pudding after tea, they have a light eating day the next day and do some exercise. Apparently this is all it takes to maintain a healthy weight!! They don't have a bad day and think 'sod it, I've blown the diet so I might as well carry on' like I always have. They also both make regular time in their schedules for exercise, and if they can't make it for whatever reason, they will fill in. i.e. if they can't do their hour workout, they will fit in a few 10 minute walks during the day.

Hmmmm...... food for thought here.

So, in the 'small steps to success' framework, I'm writing down my food again, but not pointing it. If I go over on points, I feel like I've failed, so what I'm doing is glancing at it and making sure I've eaten 2-3 servings of fruit, ditto on the veges, drunk at least 1.5l of water and kept the carbs fairly light. If I've done that, I'm happy. That, combined with an increase in activity (both planned and incidental) will ensure that I stop gaining and start losing again.

But without the pressure I put myself under.

I need to remember that although I've gained 9kg since March, I'm still 18kg lighter than I was at this time next year, and that's a good thing.

Natalie

Circumnavigating the edges of the map......

2009-06-13T02:58:00.000-07:00

Not too bad a week all round. Didn't make the gym on Monday because of the cursed work problem, but was there for a good workout on Wednesday. I'm back for a body pump class tomorrow (Sunday), and have pencilled in Monday and Wednesday workouts also for the coming week. Water has been a bit dodgy, but I've managed to keep off two of the kilos lost from the tummy bug (Yippee!).

I bought a new top today and thought about how much nicer it would be if I was 3kg lighter when I wear it for our night out on June 26th. There's the challenge for the coming two weeks.....

I met up with a couple of mates today - they are such sweethearts. I couldn't go and climb the Mount (local mountain) with them for exercise, as I wouldn't have made it to the top and back without having to change my tampon (enough said!!). They got caught up in a massive thunderstorm while climbing, but still called me when they got to the base and met me for a coffee, looking something like drowned rats. They even came back to the shop with me and gave their opinions on said new top, squelchy shoes and all! I'd been feeling a bit low today - sometimes I get a bit overwhelmed with the sheer level of testosterone in this house and need some female company ;-)

I'll be back next week, hopefully with a good result on the scales and with the water intake.

Natalie

If not on the map, heading back towards it!

2009-06-05T18:22:00.000-07:00

My week of exercise and drinking started well. I did a Body Pump class on Sunday morning, and my gym workout on Monday morning. I had planned another gym workout on Wednesday, but got hijacked at work by a staff disciplinary problem, followed by my son having his football kit stolen at college (haven't even paid for the boots yet as the credit card bill hasn't come!). Thursday went as it normally does - no time for anything, and left work late, and Friday (which I don't normally work) I had planned to go to the gym, but had to deal with the disciplinary problem.

I woke up on Friday morning with a knot in my stomach, feeling a bit nauseous, but wrote it off to stress. WRONG! I've just spent the last 24 hours in bed with a tummy bug (when I'm not running to the loo!!).

Oh well, the water went well, and the scales showed a 3kg loss this morning, but I'm not sure that will last once I start eating again......

Here comes next week.....

Natalie

Off the map....

2009-05-29T17:46:00.000-07:00

Not have I only been off the map, I fell off the wagon on the way (thanks for the mild kick up the bum Vic!). I've stopped blogging, I've stopped tracking, I've let an increasingly busy life take over and obliterate the weight loss and health objectives I have.

Why?

I've been racking my brains to try to work out why, and the only thing I can come up with is I started going off track when my sister came to stay from the UK in April. My sister also struggles with her weight. She lost around 4 1/2 stone during 2007 with a supplement programme and was the lightest she'd been in many years . Over the past year and a half, she's regained most of the weight she lost, and is regretting it. She let a stressful job, busy life and lack of family support for 'her' time ambush her. That fact doesn't give me licence to binge, but it started up the little devil that sits on my shoulder who kept whispering "what's the point....you lose it and it all comes back on again anyway. Why don't you just eat what you want?". He's a persistent, insidious little chap, and had me agreeing with him in no time!

During the 2 months I've been off track, I've 'found' 5 of the 27 kg I had lost. Going at that rate, I'll be back at my starting weight by Christmas. Do I want another fat summer? NO, NO, NO!!!

So.....how do I do it? I'm thinking small steps rather than rip, shit & bust the way I normally do. I'm very much an all or nothing girl, and I think this is one of my weak points. Weight loss to me wasn't something that was a journey for life, it was something I did as quickly as possible in a 110% effort kind of way to achieve a result. Ergo, I've always regained any weight I've ever lost.

I have a target for this week, starting with the fact that I've always felt better about myself when I exercise. I was walking 5 or 6 days a week when I started losing weight last September, and the winter has put the kibosh on that (the only time I can walk is 5.40 a.m to be home before hubby leaves for work at 6.30 a.m.), so I've taken up a gym membership (2 years @ $9.95 a week). I've planned 4 sessions a week - Body Pump on Sunday mornings, gym workouts on Monday and Wednesday before picking up #2 son from school, and possibly either Tuesday night or Friday mornings.

Step one is to do the exercise and drink at least 2 litres of water a day. I can do that.

I'll blog again next weekend and let you know how I do......

Natalie

Dreaming of Car Crashes

2009-04-14T12:37:00.000-07:00

Last night I had 3 dreams where I was in a car (driving), the car was going extremely fast and I couldn't control it - I always woke up at the moment we left the road........ This dream has occurred several times over the last week or two.

I love good old Google - here are excerpts from the search results:

A car crash dream usually means that you feel like your life is a wreck. Look at how the car crash occurred in the dream. Did another car hit yours? Was there ice or water on a highway? What leads up to the crash is usually a good indicator of how you are perceiving what is occurring in your life. What led up to the crash was the car going faster and faster and faster and I couldn't slow it down.

Dreams of crashes may actually be a sign pointing to something in your life that needs repair. Hmmm, lets see. Financial year end has been and gone and and I've been on school camp, sick, and annual leave since March 31st. My sister and her kids have been over visiting from England (went home yesterday), and my Mum is here until Friday, so I won't be going back to work before next Monday and know I've got loads and loads to do when I get back to work!

The other thing that might be on my mind is that I have completely abandoned WW in the last 4 weeks and have become completely abandoned as a result! Exercise has all but stopped due to the visitors, school camp etc so I guess I should be happy that I've only put on 3kg for the blowout.

I am going to have a re-organisation of my life in the next few days off work. The house is going to be clean and ready for winter with all the cr*p tidied away, I am going to re-start exercising (starting this morning with a walk), and I will purchase the 'right' sort of groceries to get going on the healthy road again.

The interesting thing for me is that after losing 27 kg (24 now!), I want to slow the weight loss down. I lost 27kg in about 24 weeks, and that too felt a bit 'out of control'. My body was changing faster than I could adjust to it, so it's time to slow it down. The fact that I immediately bacame 'bad' when things got out of control after being 'good' for so long showed me that I haven't bedded in the healthy eating for life principle that I believe in intellectually (but obviously not emotionally!). I want to be able to eat something 'bad' without feeling like "Oh well, that's blown the diet" - I want it to be part of a normal, stable life. No more being frightened by the bogey foods!

In 45 years on this planet, I have never had a stable weight for any length of time. I'm either reducing (dieting) or gaining (bingeing). Maybe it's time for me to have a plateau in this weight loss journey and explore how to be 'normal' before continuing to reduce to a weight where I feel happy and can maintain.

Natalie

Struggling..

2009-03-26T00:25:00.000-07:00

I seem to have been struggling with a bit in the last couple of weeks. I've been struggling to fit everything in at work while the receptionist has been on holiday (and failing, and feeling panicky as it's financial year end and I have to go on school camp with my son from March 31st to April 3rd), I've been struggling with the children fighting at home, I've been struggling with my husband and I having parenting styles that are very different, and most of all, I've been struggling with my eating.

I thought I had it all sussed on the eating front, but here I am, six months into the journey at the tail end of a week long binge. I've been feeling crappy, and true to the last 35 years experience, I've been shoving food in to make it all go away. You would think that I would have learned by now that it doesn't work! It's incredible that an intelligent, articulate adult can (once they have eaten that first 'bad' thing) think that they must eat all the other bad things they've been missing out on while eating healthily!

Now what I don't understand is:

1/. When I eat well and exercise I am full of energy, but when I choose to eat badly and not exercise, my body lets me know by aching and my digestion suffers - yet I still do it?

2/. I like being slimmer and having more energy - why am I shovelling the food in?

3/. Eating doesn't make the bad feelings go away, it adds to them - yet I still do it?

I am going to go to bed tonight, and think about what I'm doing, and why. I am going to take small steps again to get back on track.

To start with, I am going to eat 3 pieces of fruit and a salad tomorrow and drink 2 litres of water. I think that will help me get back on track.

I want to get a handle on this now, and learn from it. I've lost 26.8kg, and gained 1.5 during this bad eating binge. I can get rid of that in a week of good eating and exercise.

That's what I'm going to do!!

I've been tagged (thanks Heather!)

2009-03-12T18:38:00.000-07:00

I've been tagged byHeather @ http://heregoesheather.blogspot.com/ to post seven things about myself...

The Rules:

1. List these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog.
3. Tell 7 unspectacular quirks about you.
4. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
5.Link the person who tagged you.
6.Leave a comment for each blogger.

7 Facts about myself......

1. I lived in London for nearly 10 years from 1991 - 2000 and loved it.

2. I returned to New Zealand in 2000 with my English husband and two sons, and really struggled to settle back in. I think because I'd been away so long I no longer felt like a Kiwi :-(, but I've got over that now.

3. My favourite place to be in the whole world is at home on a sunny day with my family (so long as the kids aren't fighting!).

4. I have a great job in a Vet Hospital, ostensibly doing the accounts and some admin, but in a business like that, you get involved in everything, and I love being around animals all day (see #3 above!).

5. I'm a savoury girl. My self control is strong until a 'nibbles' platter containing blue cheese, olives, salami etc is placed on the table. Then my control becomes jelly like!

6. I have a great network of wonderful friends who support me, and although I don't get a lot of time with them, I grab 'stolen moments' whenever I can for a quick coffee, wine, chat etc.

7. My background is in banking and accounting, but I still haven't decided what I want to do when I grow up!

7 Unspectacular quirks about me

1. I have size 9 1/2 feet (Eur 42) - I had to shop in a specialist shoestore when I was a teenager, but now that the population is growing in stature my size is one of the most common.

2. I take a man's size wedding ring - big fingers as well as big feet!

3. I have become wheat and alcohol intolerant in the last year - BOO!

4. Every time I try to run I get really sore hamstrings up near my bum.

5. I had my appendix out when I was 7 and my gallbladder out when I was 33. The rest of me remains intact!

6. I have struggled with my blood pressure for the last few years but losing 27kg has bought it under control - YAY!

7. I suffer from sinus nearly year round since moving back to NZ. It seems my system prefers pollution to pollen!

I don't know 7 bloggers who haven't been tagged yet, but will post links to some of the lovely people who follow mine.....

Heather @ http://heregoesheather.blogspot.com/

Shazzy @ http://shazzydavis.blogspot.com/

Sam @ http://anewbeginning-samantha.blogspot.com/

Vic @ http://vicsloosing.blogspot.com/

I think most of the other blogs I follow have already been tagged (and apologies to you four if you have also!)

I'm on a bit of a bender at the moment. It's been a long couple of weeks, populated with illness, tiredness, stress, PMT, grumpiness - most of the usual suspects involved in feeling bad about yourself. Motivation has been out of the window along with the program. Tomorrow is another day, and I'll start it with a walk. Exercise always seems to help.....

Natalie

Blood Pressure finally down

2009-03-06T14:35:00.000-08:00

I had my bp taken yesterday, and it was the lowest it's been in over 14 years - the magic measurement was 128/82!! This made me so happy I celebrated last night by having orange syrup cake with passionfruit yoghurt cream! Lots of exercise and salads coming this weekend....

Missing........ one Mojo!

2009-02-25T22:02:00.000-08:00

I've had a bit of a 'blah' week. Bad PMT with bad eating last weekend, followed by several nights of disturbed sleep, topped off with continued stress. You guessed it, the mojo has fled!

Here's the things that I think helped it flee.....

1. Irritants listed above
2. My continued inability to run (more on that below)
3. Snacking
4. A feeling of deep tiredness

I'm lucky in that the scales continue to be kind, with a whopping 2.1kg loss last week, followed by a very tidy 700g loss this week. All up, I've managed to lose 26.5kg in the last 25 weeks, which is not to be sneezed at given that I'm not following the program by the book. I'm not really going over my points at the moment (if you add in exercise points), but I am snacking a lot in the afternoon and evenings, and my willpower seems to be a bit weaker.

I have found lately that walking isn't really 'doing' it for me any more. Even with hills I very rarely break into a sweat, and I can't walk any faster. I thought a few weeks ago that I'd try adding in a bit of running to up the ante. From the very first footfall, I've been plagued with what I think are hamstring problems - I get really sore from the bum down the back of the thighs. Several times I've left it for a few days until the discomfort goes and then tried running again, and within 20-30 paces the problem is back. I guess it's my bodys way of telling me not to do it, but it's frustrating!

I've done a bit more cycling lately, so I think I might try to add in an aquarobics class as well to mix it up a bit.

As for not following the program by the book, I decided at the outset of this, that I would try to make the diet fit my lifestyle so I would find it easier to continue if I started as I wanted to (and didn't feel deprived). Over the years of yo-yo dieting I've discovered that I'm a rebellious eater - if I think I'm missing out or being deprived, I binge.

What I've been doing is going 2-4 points under my daily allowance from Sunday to Thursday, which allows me leeway on Fridays and Saturdays for drinks and nibbles (socialising is a big part of the circle of girlfriends I have!). Also, I don't count my exercise points (or haven't until this week :-)!, and I try to exercise for a minimum of 30 minutes a day Monday to Friday and a minimum of an hour on Saturdays and Sundays. It seems to be successful for me, and I never feel like I'm being restricted.

Anyways, I hope you're all well and can the person who has my Mojo please send it back?!!

Natalie

It's a question of perspective (and birthdays)

2009-02-18T20:27:00.000-08:00

It was my birthday yesterday (more about that later), and a lot of people congratulated me on how much weight I've lost, and how proud I must be feeling of myself.

This got me thinking. I don't actually think it's a great achievement losing this weight. I put the bulk of it on by stuffing my face all the time, and some from medication that I'd been on. Nobody told me off or congratulated me for gaining, so I don't really feel like I deserve praise and accolades for losing it!!

The other thing I got thinking about was how we see ourselves. I actually feel like I'm back in my skin again. I'm within a couple of kilos of the weight I have been most of my adult life. The other 'fat' me was the one I didn't recognise, and I've been picturing myself as the size I am now while I was 26kg heavier. Occasionally I'd be walking past a shop and see myself in the reflection of the window and catch myself thinking 'who's that fat woman with me?'. I really don't think I had mentally computed how big I was. Somebody told me that it takes your brain up to 2 years to adjust to your new size when you get to goal weight, so maybe the reverse is true when you put a lot of weight on quickly. My brain picture of myself certainly hadn't adjusted to how big I was. It will be interesting to see how I picture myself when I carry on the rest of this journey and lose another 20kg....

Musing on the fact that I didn't think I was as big as I actually was got me wondering why I felt so bad about myself and started WW again?

OUCH, my brain is hurting from all this navel gazing!!

Anyway, back to my birthday! It was one of those days. The alarm went off at 5.38 a.m., hubby got up for his shower and I went out for my walk. When I got home it was shower, lunches made, boys breakfasts organised, my salad made, a couple of presents opened (very cute ones from the boys - I told them to make me something and I got vouchers. One was for a back rub while we watched Grand Designs together [but only in the ad breaks], another was for a day of peace!). I went into work for 4 hours, and was reasonably productive. I left work at 1.15p.m. to pick up my 9 year old from school at lunchtime, then I met one of my oldest friends for a coffee. She had invited another friend of hers that I don't know well, and the two of them chatted most of the time. Very cute son leant over to me at one stage and said "Mum, they don't seem very interested in you, can we go?"!!

After that it was off to get a Warrant of Fitness for hubbys truck, pick up some fruit & milk, then home to walk the dog. I got home to find that one of the fuses had tripped not long after we left home, and the freezer and fridge were very warm and the dishwasher had broken down as there must have been a power surge when it happened! At the time, hubby and eldest son were at school 20/20 cricket nearly 40 minutes away. After we got home from the dog walk, it was time for WW weigh in. The fat fairy knew it was my birthday and granted me a 2.1kg loss YIPPEE!!

Home again after WI (master 9 had not complained once about being dragged around from pillar to post) and I prepared tea for all. Hubby & eldest son finally arrived home from cricket at 7.45p.m. at which time we finally ate tea! After that, it was the washing up (including all the stuff that was in the broken down dishwasher!), an attempt to fix the dishwasher and finally managing to put our bums on chairs at 9.30 p.m.!

I have to say, it was the most 'unbirthday' birthday I think I've ever had!!

I will try to take some more photo's soon - maybe around 90kg.

Natalie

Where's the justice?

2009-02-14T18:11:00.001-08:00

The 'thing' that got me started on this road to a healthier me, was the declaration from my doctor that I had 3 months to get my blood pressure under control or it would be medication for me. At the time, my bp was 160/110 and had been up there for a while. We have a family history of hypertension on my maternal side, and I could see me going on the meds and not coming off. That, combined with the fact that I'm already on meds for Lupus, made me determined to reduce my weight for good, rather than the yo-yo stuff I'm so good at.

After joining WW at the end of August, I was having weekly bp checks and by the start of December, it was down to 130/90 - an acceptable level. Since then, I've lost a further 9kgs and am much fitter. I thought I'd pop in and get it checked last Friday to find that it is now 140/90 - where's the justice?

The only thing I'd done that morning that could have affected it was to have a big cup of black coffee with breakfast. I'll go again in another couple of weeks (sans coffee) and see if it's improving......

Big girls knickers (and smaller bras!!)

2009-02-10T19:47:00.000-08:00

I went for a walk the other morning, and my knickers were moving around, not clinging like they should. I thought 'blast, the elastic has gone'. I got home, showered & put fresh knickers on, only to find they too were roaming!

You could have knocked me down with a feather when I realised that it wasn't the elastic - my bum has shrunk so much the elastic doesn't have to stretch any more!!

On the downside, the top half is shrinking too......

I think I'm in for a gain tonight, but totally undeserved. I have stuck to points religiously all week and exercised heaps, but I got on the scales on Sunday morning after 3 hours exercise on Saturday and I was 2kg heavier. Never mind, the scales will catch up eventually :-)

4 hours later - the fat fairy was with me, and allowed me a loss of 400g. Maybe it was the gardening/sweating I did before going that swung it.....

Natalie

Finally living life (and musing on family life)

2009-02-07T12:13:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we took the children, lunch and bikes and went mountainbiking at the Redwoods in Rotorua. The scenery was breathtaking and the workout was hard (even though we were on Grade 2 [easy] tracks). The temperature was in the high 20's and we had to walk up a big hill to get to the tracks. Some of us were knackered before we even started, but once we were on the tracks and zooming over bumps and around corners any earlier tiredness evaporated.

It was the most amazing feeling, pushing my body past it's comfort zone and taking risks. It made me realise that I've lived the past few years of my life only half alive, existing in the 'safe' zone of not putting myself out there, hiding from the world and myself because I carried extra weight. Yesterday I sat proudly on my bike, even though I'm still 22kg overweight. My body did what I asked of it, and at one stage I said to my husband "I don't think my legs have got anything left in them" - he responded with, "come on, just keep going", and I managed to!

I thought I would be really sore today, but I'm not. I got up, did a 1/2 hour hill walk, came home and did the WW Pilates workout DVD then had porridge with strawberries, blueberries and maple syrup for breakfast, and I FEEL GOOD!!

I had a conversation with my sister last night, which got me thinking. She, like me, has struggled with her weight all her adult life, and she too is a 'stress' eater. She has a very full on job in London that involves long hours and lots of travel. Combine this with two children with full schedules and a dog, and you've got a recipe that a lot of us Mums have which involves Mums needs coming last. She lost a huge amount of weight a couple of years ago as the medical guinea pig for a weight loss system (replacement shakes and bars) that was bought into England from Europe, but told me last night that she's put a lot of it back on as she found it too hard to continue with the exercise that supported the weight loss. As it is, she gets 5 hours sleep a night during the week and leaves the house early and gets home late, so finding extra hours in the day to exercise is impossible at the moment if she wants to spend time with her children.

I started wondering why we put our families and employers first, before ourselves, and why we 'medicate' with food. What is it in our past that we both do the same thing? (That one is probably best left for a psychologists couch!!).

I've been trying to think of myself as the engine that keeps the family running, and if the engine breaks down, the whole show is off the road! Therefore, the engine must be kept in optimum condition, and sometimes has to come first!

Rambling? Maybe.....I'm new at this blogging stuff!

Natalie

This is scary....

2009-02-03T22:24:00.000-08:00

I have spent my life on and off diets, getting fat, losing weight, making excuses (ever more inventive) both for my weight and my lack of activity.

Late in 2008 I got scared. I had been under a period of prolonged stress, my weight was at an all time high, my blood pressure was out of control and I finally realised that stuffing my face was, if not killing me, certainly making my life shorter. I had been using the stress as an excuse not to do anything about it (and to be honest, my head wasn't in the right space either). I wanted to be a recluse - it was easier to stay at home than go out feeling embarrassed about my body. I didn't feel like I deserved my attractive husband, I didn't feel attractive myself. I didn't feel like I had any casual conversation.

What a loser!! This isn't me, this is what being fat did to me!

At the end of August 2008, I joined Weight Watchers (for the 5th time in 30 years!). This time it felt different - I really wanted to beat this little fat devil that sat on my shoulder saying "if you put the food in your mouth you'll feel better". He was right for the first 5 minutes before the self-loathing kicked in! I started out just on the diet, and added in morning walks after a few weeks. I'm proud to say that 23 weeks later, I'm 23.3 kg lighter in body, and tonnes lighter in soul. I've put my first lot of fat clothes onto TradeMe to sell them, 'cos they're not going to be on my body again!

It's not the start of my journey, but it's the start of me being ready to share it. I've still got a long way to go to my goal weight of 75kg, but as of today, I'm half way there. I know the war isn't won, I've just got a few battles under my belt. I'm a social eater and drinker, and have acknowledged finally that going out and having a good time isn't the end of the diet, it's a reason to be careful and exercise more for the rest of the week. I want to fit this 40 year 'diet' into the rest of my life, so am realistic. I can't stop exercising when I'm at goal, and I can't stop tracking my food. At least if I track that I've overeaten I can rectify it.

Thanks for taking the time to 'meet' me.

Natalie